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I majorly disappointed myself last week with some very narcissistic thoughts, really immature words, and actions that embarrassed myself. It wasn’t a super unusual experience, it was just that this time I had a bigger audience and felt more ashamed. It was also that instead of taking my shame to Jesus and telling Him how sorry I was, I turned against myself and tried demoralizing myself into maturity. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t helpful.

I began beating myself up with thoughts like, “When am I ever going to grow up?” It wasn’t long before, I felt a supernatural power feeding me with stronger and stronger berating words and self hatred. I knew better, that I needed to stop, felt very tempted to throw more blows at myself, and pulled downwards into darkness all at the same time.

I stopped to look at Jesus.

I stopped to look at Jesus. He took all the blows for my immaturity, narcissistic thoughts, my guilt and shame on the cross. For me to punish myself is to say that the cross wasn’t enough. It is not what God desires. “…human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20). It is not Jesus’ desire for me to align myself with my accuser and heap condemnation and shame on myself. Jesus died to set me free, to lead me into His righteousness, peace and joy.

Conviction is different.

In the midst of all of this, I felt convicted. I felt convicted of my sin from last week and for thinking I could whip some self-righteousness into myself. Conviction is different from guilt, shame and embarrassment. Self-righteousness is different from the free gift of righteousness imputed to me when I place my faith in Jesus. With self-righteousness comes pride, fear and hatred.

With conviction comes the desire to turn to God in repentance and ask for help. Conviction is my loving Father in Heaven, bending down to say to me, “I can help you live a better way. Submit to Me, resist the devil and he will flee from you (James 4:7). I am the Way, the Truth and the Life you are longing for.” Guilt, shame and embarrassment are invitations into sin and death, while conviction is an invitation to come up higher into the life of Jesus.

I resisted the temptation to continue to condemn myself and turned to God.

I chose repentance, surrender, faith in Jesus and rest in His life.

Help from Other Believers

A friend unwittingly helped me decide to turn and look at Jesus when she confided in me how grateful she was that she started a study on the armor of God just before entering an unforeseen trial and shared how she saw God’s hand preparing her through it. Hearing her story helped me look up.

I talked to God about the armor of God. I’d heard sermons on it, done studies, taught Sunday school classes on it, dressed my kids in play armor of God, and I honestly felt like I was still missing the big picture. How do you “put it on?” How did it work?

Suddenly, I thought of other verses about “putting on” and “putting off” and it made a little more sense for the first time. [Thank You, Holy Spirit for suddenlies!] I found a great article that pulled together a bunch of verses and talked about how Jesus instructed the disciples to wait in Jerusalem until they were “clothed with power from on high.”

I think all that time in Sunday school and children’s church had given me the impression that the armor of God was something you put on once in the morning and it was on, but that is not the case. Yes, spending time in the Word and praying in the morning is helpful, but more than that “putting on” and “putting off” is about meditating on the truths of the Word, and allowing them to transform the way I think and live.

What I needed to mature and become more focused on others was not to be beat down by shame or built up by self-righteousness, but to meditate on Christ, the cross, the gospel and to be “clothed with power from on high.”

Instead of beating myself up, I need to acknowledge the weakness of my flesh and wait expectantly on God to arm me with His strength. 

Help from the Word of God

Pulling in the verses where Jesus instructed the disciples to wait to “clothed with power from on high” really touched my heart and some other verses I had been meditating on:

Luke 24:49 “And behold, I am sending the promise of My Father upon you. But remain in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.”

Acts 1:4 And while they were gathered together, He commanded them: “Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift the Father promised, which you have heard Me discuss.”

John 14:26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have told you.

Isaiah 44:3 For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.

John 7:38 Whoever believes in Me, as the Scripture has said: ‘Streams of living water will flow from within him.'”

Self-righteousness was NOT the cure for my guilt and shame. I was thirsty for Living Water. Christ Jesus was the only One who could satisfy my true hunger. Waiting on and trusting that God would fulfill His promise and clothe me with power from on high was the only way for me to find peace within. I needed my Advocate, not my accuser’s help. I needed to fix my eyes on Jesus. I needed to be reminded of everything that He had taught us.

Lessons from Ephesians 4 in Grief

I turned to Ephesians 4 to read some “put on, put off” verses in context and remembered how several years ago in one of my grief support groups we had discussed how destructive thoughts were bad self-council and how we should filter our thoughts with “Is this helpful?” I always remember my mom saying she tries not to think “unproductive thoughts.”

While prayer journaling the following morning, this came to mind:

“Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up the one in need and bringing grace to those who listen.”

Ephesians 4:29

I realized that nothing “unwholesome” …but only what is “helpful” needed to be true of what I say to myself as well as to others. I needed to give grace to myself. I need to only think and say things that are helpful to build myself up so that I could build up others. I wrote, “Some really good self-counsel in that verse!!” and copied other verses from the chapter below it:

“Then we will no longer be infants, tossed about by the waves and carried around by every wind of teaching and by the clever cunning of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ Himself, who is the head.”

Ephesians 4:14-15

“So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. …But this is not the way you came to know Christ. Surely you heard of Him and were taught in Him—in keeping with the truth that is in Jesus—“

Ephesians 4:17-18, 20-21

Then I summarized others: “Truth in Jesus …take off old …put on new …speak truthfully …don’t give the devil a foothold.”

Lessons from Ephesians 4 in Self-Disappointment

This week while reading Ephesians 4, other verses spoke to my heart:

“Be angry, yet do not sin. Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Ephesians 4:26-27

It’s okay to feel angry and disappointed with myself, but I knew better than to align myself with the unwholesome words of my accuser to berate myself. I shouldn’t have allowed the sun to set on my anger. It gave the devil a foothold into my thoughts that lead to destructive self-counsel and unproductive thoughts. Thoughts which at their best would create a self-righteousness no better than filthy rags, not a righteousness that comes by faith in the work of Christ Jesus my Lord and Savior at the cross.

What I needed to help me grow up was to look at Jesus and hear the truth spoken over myself in love (Ephesians 4:15).

I needed to:

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you”

Ephesians 4:31-32

I need to forgive myself just as “in Christ God forgave” me.

I still think often about what I learned a couple of summers ago from our community group on 1 Peter: how spiritual warfare includes suffering, loving God and others and so much more. I shared my thoughts here. This week’s lessons on self-disappointment reminded me that spiritual warfare includes coming to Jesus for rest and leaning on God’s grace.

Putting on God’s armor is girding and arming ourselves with truth from His Word, guarding our hearts, minds and steps with the peace that comes from the gospel. It’s standing firm in our faith as we wait in prayer for God to clothe us with the kind of power from on high that can transform us into Christ’s image as we behold Him.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:18 

It’s turning my eyes away from my failures to Jesus, My Victory.

…And having done all standing firm by His grace and His Spirit.

Much love and prayers,

Jenny Coleman

“You show me the path to life; Your presence fills me with joy, 
everlasting delight is at Your right hand.”- Psalms 16:11

The Battle for Perspective  

I have many precious friends and family members celebrating Jesus’ birthday with Him in Heaven. My deep love and longing to be reunited with them can easily reduce me to tears. A battle is waged over my perspective, how I will interpret my experience, the script I will recite to myself daily, and where I will take the pain of our separation. Do I see Jesus gently shepherding us through this valley of the shadow of death or do I see us abandoned and alone? Do I see my loved ones in Heaven celebrating Jesus’ birthday with Him or as cold, lifeless, dead in the grave? Are my eyes fixed on God’s deep, sacrificial love displayed for us in Jesus or is He an uncaring ogre in my eyes?

It takes prayer, spiritual eyes, and time in God’s Word for a broken heart to see and embrace the truths of the gospel: God is good. He loves us. God sent His Son to redeem us. God allows brokenness in our sinful world for His good purposes. He is near the brokenhearted.

The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise as some understand slowness, but is longsuffering toward you, not wanting anyone to be destroyed but everyone to come to repentance.”

2 Peter 3:9

Posting Gospel Reminders on My Walls Helps

My Place of Refuge Shapes My Life

My perspective greatly influences how I interpret my experience and where I run with the pain in my heart. The place I take refuge will shape the remainder of my life. 

A gospel perspective is formed by rehearsing gospel truths. 

The only thing that keeps the dark gravitational pull of this broken world from dragging me into its abyss is asking God to open my eyes to see gospel truths in His Word as I meditate on it. I must choose to believe His truths as He reveals them to me. I must cling to their light and make them the script spoken over my life by rehearsing them daily. Or swallowed by darkness, back turned against an imagined ogre god, my script and my reality would become that I am alone, unloved, and miserable. 

Taking up My Cross

After Thanksgiving this year, my thoughts traveled to the events that led to the murder of our youngest son after Thanksgiving 11 years ago. My longing for things to be different led to a tremendous struggle and anguish. In those hours, I desperately wanted off the altar of endurance and simultaneously knew that my only hope for rest was to surrender everything, including myself, as a living sacrifice to God.

I took myself back to the days of Jesus’ anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane and begged God for the strength to make the altar of “yet not my will, but yours be done” my own. I don’t know how or exactly when, but before the day was done, God answered my prayer and enabled me to renew my surrender and trust of all things to His sovereign wisdom, mercy and grace.

Fighting to Stand Firm

I am very thankful for that victory and I am actively fighting to stand firm in it by carefully guarding and nurturing my heart. I continually take my heart to the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to help me see and experience His great love for me. I take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and faithfully preach the gospel to myself.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,
and death will be no more nor mourning nor crying nor pain;
they will be no more, because the former things have passed away.

And the One seated on the throne said,
“Behold, I make all things new.”
Then He said, “Write this down,
for these words are faithful and true.”

Revelation 21:4-5

Beautiful Memories: Tastes of the Beauty to Come

When a memory catches my heart and renews my longing to be reunited with my loved ones, I take a deep breath and remind myself that our suffering is only momentary and the glory it is producing far outweighs it all (2 Corinthians 4:17). God will generously restore all the good gifts of time with our loved ones to us multiplied by INFINITY. Gifts received here are only a taste, a shadow, of the wonderful gifts God has prepared for those who love Him. 

Our present lives are “a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes” (James 4:14). “Life and breath and everything else,” “our appointed times” and “boundaries,” are all gifts given to us that we might “seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. ‘For in Him we live and move and have our being’” (Acts 17:25-28, Matthew 6:27).

1 Corinthians 15 tells us that the perishable bodies of “those who belong to Him” are planted like a “seed,” “changed” “in an instant, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet,” “raised in glory” and “power,” “spiritual,”  “raised imperishable” and “clothed” “with immortality.” 

Presently death stings… but then, OH GLORIOUS THEN, “the saying that is written will come to pass: ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.’” – 1 Corinthians 15:54b

“Thanks be to God,” THANKS BE TO GOD!!!!! “who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!” – 1 Corinthians 15:57

We Must Persevere In His Victory 

“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast and immovable. Always excel in the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”

1 Corinthians 15:58

“So let us know—let us press on to know the LORD. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the rain, like the spring showers that water the earth.”

Hosea 6:3

“You need to persevere, so that after you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. For, ‘In just a little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay.’”

Hebrews 10:37

Encourage Yourself and One Another

The darkness is growing stronger and the gospel is needed more than ever. I cannot express how necessary and impactful surrounding myself with encouraging believers has been. I speak the truth in love and work to encourage others because I need to hear the truth spoken in love and the encouragement of others. 

“Let us not neglect meeting together, as is the habit of some, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:25

Abiding in His Love for us,

Jenny Coleman

My heart is heavy. How do I pray?

I’ve been asking the Lord to teach me how to pray. I pray a lot, but my prayers feel minuscule compared to the needs in the lives of those on my heart. We have a big God who is able to do more than we ask or imagine, but how do I know when I’ve done my job of asking well?

Prayer after losing a child or a different crushing “No” from God often feels contentious, full of sighs and groans beyond what words can express. I often don’t know how to pray as I ought, but I know I am not alone in my groaning. The “Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans too deep for words” (Romans 8:26).

A year or so ago, I was seeking the Lord for how to pray for a friend going through cancer treatments. Reading this verse freed me to pray as I really wanted to pray:

“Remember those in prison as if you were bound with them, and those who are mistreated as if you were suffering with them.”

Hebrews 13:3

Earlier this week, while meditating on these verses:

“Because Jesus lives forever, He has a permanent priesthood. Therefore He is able to save completely those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to intercede for them.”

Hebrews 7:24-25

I asked myself, “How do I live and pray as though Jesus ‘always lives to intercede’ on our behalf?”

I want to come to God boldly, yet clothed heavily with humility; in a wisdom that is not my own, but the Spirit’s; with my whole heart, yet wholly surrendered to His will; with dedication, perseverance and a heart of obedience.

Joining in the Prayers of the Saints

I’ve been meditating on how we are connected to the body of Christ… not just our local church body, but to those who have longed for Jesus’ appearing through the centuries. I’ve also be thinking about how Jesus, His disciples and millions of believers throughout history have used the Psalms as a prayer and hymn book. I thought about how Jesus must have felt praying Psalm 22 in His darkest hour and how it must have comforted Him to have the prayers of the saints joining His.

It’s incredible to realize that I hold within my hands the very words and prayers that God has given His people to pray, the prayers and songs that people from many nations have prayed and continue to pray in many languages. I want to join in that fellowship. I want to pray in communion with Jesus and all the saints in Heaven and on earth. In my minds’ eye I can almost see a chorus of prayers resonating up to the throne room. I want to take part in that fragrant offering (Psalm 141:2, Revelation 8:4).

Learning to Pray the Psalms

While praying the Psalms is not completely new to me, I have a lot to learn. I enjoy praying, singing and meditating on my morning walks and decided to look for a podcast on praying the Psalms to help slowly guide me through them. I found two that I am enjoying so far.

To help me learn each Psalm well, first I have a Bible app read it aloud to me several times through (sometimes in more than one version). Then I listen to the podcast produced by Doxa Church in Madison, Washington in 2020 called Praying the Psalms where a minister shares commentary on a Psalm followed by a prayer. Finally, I listen, pray and sing along with the Psalms Project’s podcast where they read a Psalm and play a song based on verses from it. I’ve added several of their songs to my personal play list. You may learn more about their effort to produce a song for every Psalm here: https://thepsalmsproject.com/

Two talks on prayer that really touched me this week:

Doxa Church’s commentary on Psalm 5

Corrie ten Boom’s talk on prayer.

Questions to consider:

Do your prayers feel minuscule?

Have you asked Jesus to teach you how to pray?

Have you surrendered your inability to pray to Holy Spirit’s groanings?

How does it make you feel to know that Jesus “always lives to intercede” for you?

Would joining your prayers with the chorus of the prayers and songs of the saints make a difference in your prayer life?

Has a podcast or a study on the Psalms impacted your prayers?

Please, share 💕

In His Love,

Jenny Coleman

Immediately after Joel was murdered, the one thing that most comforted me was my belief in God’s sovereign control over our lives. Joel’s life had not been cut short. God had ordained the number of his days from before he was born (Psalm 139:16) and intentionally allowed Joel to be murdered that night for His good purposes. The young man who shot and killed Joel had evil intentions and will be held accountable by God for what he did, but God’s intentions and purposes are always good.

“And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.”

Romans 8:28

We live in a fallen world that has been very broken by human rebellion and sinfulness, but it is not a world abandoned by God nor outside of His control.

We should hate the sin and the results of sin that destroy the lives of those around us and love and bless the God who has not cast us into the utter darkness that we deserve, but sent His beloved Son to humble Himself being made in human likeness and live as a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief, Who though sorrowful to the point of death, accepted His Father’s will and endured rejection, beatings, crucifixion, the wrath and abandonment of our Heavenly Father and even Hell on our behalf. We should praise the God who declares the end from the beginning (Isaiah 46:10), Who offers redemption through the resurrection of His Son, the God Who is compassionate and not slow in keeping His promise, but patient with us not wanting anyone to be destroyed, but that all should come to repentance and be saved (2 Peter 3:9). 

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come?

2 My help comes from the Yahweh, the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber.

4 Behold, the Protector of Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Yahweh is your keeper; the Yahweh is the shade on your right hand.

6 The sun will not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.

7 The Yahweh will guard you from all evil; He will preserve your soul.

8 The Yahweh will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore.

Yahweh, Maker of heaven and earth is our Helper. Our Protector was not asleep at 9 PM the night Joel was murdered. He kept and guarded Joel and guided him from the presence of evil into peace and rest (Isaiah 57:1-2). He watched over Joel’s coming and going and preserved Joel’s soul. This is who God is. This is what God does. I have seen God help, work, protect, and watch over us throughout our lives. His love never fails. He is sovereign. All power and glory and honor are His.

Though Joel’s death broke my heart and I did not understand God’s ways that night, I knew that nothing could separate us from His love, not “trouble or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword,” not a stranger with an AK57, nor “death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:35, 38-39).

While interacting with others through the months that followed Joel’s death, I began to realize that not everyone believed in God’s sovereign control the way I did. In their minds, the devil had won a battle, God’s hands were somehow tied by a mere human’s choice or the devil’s schemes, God’s good and perfect plans for our lives had been derailed, and he was powerless or had chosen not to do anything about it. It comforted them to believe that life and death was left to mortal whim while it was unthinkable to me that Joel could have died outside of our sovereign Heavenly Father’s will.

I don’t believe they thought through the implications of their beliefs. If God is not sovereign over all, then He cannot be sovereign. If God is not sovereign, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, wise, good and kind then He cannot be trusted to keep His Word and verses like these offer no real comfort:

“But I trust in You, O Yahweh; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hands.” 

Psalm 31:14-15

“Preserve me, O God, for in You I take refuge.”

Psalm 16:1 

“Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings.” 

Psalm 17:8 

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all my days were written in Your book and ordained for me before one of them came to be.”

Psalm 139:16

“Even to your old age, I will be the same, and I will bear you up when you turn gray. I have made you, and I will carry you; I will sustain you and deliver you.” 

Isaiah 46:4

“Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will.”

Matthew 10:29 

“And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Luke 12:7

How can God be faithful and true to His Word if a mere human’s will or the devil’s schemes can prevent Him from preserving, keeping, ordaining, sustaining and delivering us? How can He be trusted to keep His promises? How can we know He is preparing a place for us and will one day return to rescue us? How can His ways be higher and His plans never thwarted if He is not sovereign over all? How could I take any comfort in God or His Word at all? 

I wrestled while they slept. God’s sovereignty, man’s meaningful choice, and the problem of evil became a topic I needed to study and continue to study. Reading the writings of fellow Christian sufferers like Corrie ten Boom, Elisabeth Elliot, Joni Eareckson Tada, John Piper, Paul David Tripp, Tim Keller, Charles Spurgeon, Philip Yancey, and others confirmed what I had originally believed. Reading through their logic and the scriptures and seeing how comforted others were by God’s sovereignty over all things comforted me. My husband and I are currently reading Randy Alcorn’s “If God is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil.” We highly recommend Randy’s books regularly. If you are looking for a book specifically on how God’s sovereignty works with meaningful choice we recommend his, “hand in Hand: The Beauty of God’s Sovereignty and Meaningful Human Choice.” 

I believe in meaningful human choice that includes repercussions, responsibly and accountability and I believe in God’s sovereignty over all things. I believe the wisdom and lovingkindness of God’s character shine through every bit of His sovereignty though I lack the perspective to see and understand it all now. I believe that though I have to “live by faith, not by sight” (1 Corinthians 13:12) now, “then we will see everything with perfect clarity” (2 Corinthians 5:7). “I know that my Redeemer lives, and in the end He will stand upon the earth. Even after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. I will see Him for myself; my eyes will behold Him, and not as a stranger. How my heart yearns within me!” Job 19:25-27

In the “coming ages” God will “display the surpassing riches of His grace, demonstrated by His kindness to us in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:7). And I will be amazed at the beautiful way He has been “working all things together for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 

2 Corinthians 4:6

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, yet our inner self is being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory, far beyond any comparison. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

A few resources:

An article written shortly after Joel’s death and the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting that I found especially helpful: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/confronting-the-problems-of-evil

Randy’s “If God is Good” chapter summaries:
https://www.epm.org/resources/2009/Dec/17/IGIG-Chapter-Summaries/

A few quotes I often re-read: 

“Either God rules, or Satan sets the world’s agenda and God is limited to reacting. In which case, the Almighty would become Satan’s clean-up boy, sweeping up after the devil has trampled through and done his worst, finding a way to wring good out of the situation somehow. But it wasn’t his best plan for you, wasn’t plan A, wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. In other words, although God would manage to patch things up, your suffering itself would be meaningless.” 

Joni Eareckson Tada, When God Weeps p 84

“It would be a very sharp and trying experience to me to think that I have an affliction which God never sent me, that the bitter cup was never filled by his hand, that my trials were never measured out by him, nor sent to me by his arrangement of their weight and quantity.” 

C. H. Spurgeon

“The sovereignty of God is the pillow upon which the child of God rests his head at night, giving perfect peace.”

C. H. Spurgeon

“When terrible things happen, there are two choices, and only two:  We can trust God, or we can defy Him.  We believe that God is God, He’s still got the whole world in His hands and knows exactly what He’s doing, or we must believe that He is not God and that we are at the awful mercy of mere chance.” 

Elisabeth Elliot

“I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things that happen to us that do not belong to our lovingly assigned “portion.” (“This belongs to it, that does not”)? Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty? Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. A quiet heart is content with what God gives.” 

Elisabeth Elliot

“Number one, God brought me here.  It is by His will that I am in this place.  In that fact I will rest.  Number two, He will keep me here in His love and give me grace to behave as His child.  Number three, He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me the lessons He intends for me to learn and working in me the grace He means to bestow.  Number four, in His good time He can bring me out again.  How and when, He knows.  So, let me say I am here.”

Andrew Murray

“When my plans crumble and God takes me away from my dreams, I must trust in God’s infinite wisdom.  When my cup of suffering seems too much to bear, I need to rest in his immeasurable love.  When my life spins out of control, I need to remember God’s absolute sovereignty.”

Vaneetha Rendall Risner, The Scars that have Shaped Me, page 73

“There’s great clarity in seeing the sovereignty and wisdom of God held together. We learn that nothing happens by chance, or passes outside God’s plans. Everything filters through His wisdom. This helps weary sufferers to remember that our pains and afflictions are not pointless.” 

Erik Reed, Uncommon Trust, page 46

“So while it is not inaccurate to say that God allows evil and suffering, it is inadequate, and perhaps misleading, to limit God’s involvement in suffering to this word, suggesting that he only passively (and perhaps reluctantly, we hope) gives permission. In fact, there are only a handful of scriptural passages where the text itself says that God ‘allowed’ or ‘permitted’ difficulty or harm, while many more indicate that God sent, intended, brought about, planned, caused, or gave experiences of suffering to his people for some purpose (Deuteronomy 32:39; 2 Samuel 12:15; Psalm 66:10-12; Isaiah 45:7; Jeremiah 46:28; Jonah 2:3; Matthew 4:1; 1 Peter 3:17).”

Nancy Guthrie, Hearing Jesus Speak in Your Sorrow, Page 78

“Although the sovereignty of God is universal and absolute, it is not the sovereignty of blind power. It is coupled with infinite wisdom, holiness and love. And this doctrine, when properly understood, is a most comforting and reassuring one. Who would not prefer to have his affairs in the hands of a God of infinite power, wisdom, holiness and love, rather than to have them left to fate, or chance, or irrevocable natural law, or to short-sighted and perverted self? Those who reject God’s sovereignty should consider what alternatives they have left.

Loraine Boettner

Leave it in the Hand and Mystery of God.

“I was preparing to go to Nyack College. Before I left there was one burning question I had in mind, and I went to Dr. Tozer and said, Could you give me some advice concerning the problem of Calvinism versus Arminianism?

“And I’ll never forget the advice he gave me. At the time I thought it was rather inconclusive and not too helpful. But I listened carefully. He said, ‘My son, when you get to college you’re going to find that all of the boys will be gathered in a room discussing and arguing over Arminianism and Calvinism night after night after night. I’ll tell you what to do, Cliff. Go to your room and meet God. At the end of four years you’ll be way down the line and they’ll still be where they started, because greater minds than yours have wrestled with this problem and have not come up with satisfactory conclusions. Instead, learn to know God.’”

The Life of A.W. Tozer: In Pursuit of God, James L. Snyder page 132

A few Scriptures to consider:

As for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are this day. 

Genesis 50:19 

See now that I am He; there is no God besides Me. I bring death and I give life; I wound and I heal, and there is no one who can deliver from My hand.

Deuteronomy 32:39 

The Lord foils the plans of the nations; He thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.

Psalm 33:10-11

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails

Proverbs 19:21

The king’s heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord; He guides it wherever He pleases

Proverbs 21:1 

I know that You can do all things and that no plan of Yours can be thwarted.

Job 42:2 

Remember what happened long ago, for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me. I declare the end from the beginning, and ancient times from what is still to come. I say, ‘My purpose will stand, and all My good pleasure I will accomplish.’ I summon a bird of prey from the east, a man for My purpose from a far-off land. Truly I have spoken, and truly I will bring it to pass. I have planned it, and I will surely do it.

Isaiah 46:9-11

He [Jesus] was delivered up by God’s set plan and foreknowledge, and you, by the hands of the lawless, put Him to death by nailing Him to the cross. 

Acts 2:23 

God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that He is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; Neither is worshiped with men’s hands, as though He needed any thing, seeing He giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; And hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation; God intended that they would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. “For in Him we live and move and have our being.” 

Acts 17:24-28 

Much Love,

Jenny

Happy 10 years in Heaven today, Joel!

Joel, I love you so, so much. I am SO grateful for you.

You must be so proud of how bravely your big brother, Josh, and his wife, Cora, are enduring the great suffering he is experiencing. We are so proud of the way he is fighting for his life as he searches and waits for someone healthy enough to qualify to donate a kidney on his behalf and in doing so gives him the gift of life.

I know you can’t wait to see him again, but I am really hoping that I get to meet you and Jesus at Heaven’s gates before he does. He and Cora would really like to welcome children of their own into their family and raise them to live well for Christ. I hope that it is part of God’s plan to use them to start giving me lots of grandkids one day soon. It breaks my heart that Dad and James and Judi and I are not healthy enough to donate a kidney for him.

I’ve been thinking about the perspective you and the other saints in Heaven must have on the unseen things here on earth and above and how you know how immensely important and intense the battle against the forces of darkness is and the consequences that hang in its balance. You see the passion of Jesus burning like fire in His eyes. You see our heavenly Father’s face and His incredible love and tender care for us. You see His angels and saints and hear their stories and see the glory Jesus is winning through them all.

I’ve been thinking how you and other saints in Heaven must be so moved to pray for us and how puny and apathetic my prayers must seem in comparison. I am so thankful that Holy Spirit is working on that in me.

Dad and I started reading a new book by Randy Alcorn on Heaven this week. It’s called “We Shall See God.” Randy shares many of Charles Spurgeon’s sermons on Heaven and comments on them in it. We’re only on chapter three and it is Ah-MAZING! I can already tell I am going to want to read this book over and over again.

Randy’s wife, Nanci, joined you in Heaven earlier this year. Have you met her? I imagine Mamalene and Granddad introduced you to Charles Spurgeon a long time ago. They loved his sermons.

Last night, these portions of Spurgeon’s sermon stood out to me:

"Brothers and sisters, we are like warriors fighting for the victory; we don't as yet share in the shout of triumph. Even up in Heaven [the saints] have not yet received their full reward."

I knew you must be praying because you are with Jesus in His Father’s House and Jesus declared, “It is written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer’” (Matthew 21:13) so it must be so.  I have personally experienced the powerful effects of the prayers of the saints (both of those cheering from Heaven and of those still running beside me on earth). Knowing that you are apart of the great cloud of witnesses cheering us on has helped me tremendously to endure and to keep turning to and fixing my eyes on Jesus the “the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1-2).

I had not considered that you were still waiting to receive your full reward though I’ve meditated on these verses since early in our journey of missing you:

“And when the Lamb opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the testimony they had upheld. And they cried out in a loud voice, ‘How long, O Lord, holy and true, until You avenge our blood and judge those who dwell upon the earth?’

Then each of them was given a white robe and told to rest a little while longer, until the full number of their fellow servants, their brothers, were killed, just as they had been killed.” – Revelation 6:9-11

I know that waiting means enduring and enduring, cheering and praying are all ways that we battle for the Heavenly Kingdom. You are a brother warrior fighting for the victory with us. What a beautiful thing to realize as we continue to battle on the 10th anniversary of your entrance into Heaven!

Spurgeon goes on to say:

"Those in Heaven are blessed, but they have not had their public entrance. They are waiting till their Lord shall descend from Heaven with a shout, with the trump of the archangel and the voice of God. Then their bodies shall rise; then the world shall be judged; then the righteous shall be divided from the wicked. And then, the Prince at their head, the whole of the blood-washed host, wearing their white robes, and bearing their palms of victory, shall march up to their crowns and to their thrones to reign forever and ever!

For this fulfillment the believing heart is panting, groaning, and sighing."

He is right! Romans 8 tells us this is so. You and others who were slain are still resting, waiting and longing for the Lord to avenge your blood and judge those who dwell on the earth. You are waiting for the full number of saints to be killed. You are waiting for our resurrection and the Lamb’s victory fulfilled. You are waiting, and groaning with all of creation, the Spirit and all of the saints for the shout that will accompany the Lord’s descent and the “redemption of our bodies” (Romans 8:18-27).

You are blessed. You no longer suffer or die or mourn the way those on earth do. You cheer and wait and groan in battle with us through prayer.

Spurgeon continues:

"A Christian's experience is like a rainbow, made up of drops of the griefs of Earth and beams of the happiness of Heaven. It is a checkered scene, a garment of many colors. He is sometimes in the light and sometimes in the dark. The text says, "We groan." ... We groan within ourselves. Our sighs are sacred things..."

Isn’t that a beautiful way to express it?! On earth we experience the “beams of the happiness of Heaven” mixed with drops of grief. Our good Heavenly Father shines His glorious Light through our sorrows and we remember His promise that “our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18). Your faith has become sight in Heaven. You continually experience only the “beams of the happiness of Heaven” there, yet you continue to wait and cheer and groan. Our groans and sighs are sacred things that reach through the veil.

A friend at church shared with me Sunday that she recently had a vision where the Lord pulled her into Himself and so far into the universe away from her problems until the earth looked like a tiny speck. She said she resisted being pulled away at first, but then everything was so beautiful. Jesus pointed at her life on the earth and asked her, “What do you see?” She answered, “It’s only a minute.” She saw the smallness and brevity of her earthly life and problems compared to the vastness of God and eternity.

Our life is but a vapor. I want to use my minute well. I want to make you proud that I am on your team battling and groaning, enduring and waiting well on behalf of the Kingdom of Heaven. I want an eternal perspective that sees the unseen eternal things that hang in the balance. I want to continue to endure and fix my eyes on Jesus and run my race for the joy set before me as He did. I want to see the passion burning like fire in His eyes. I want the steadfast lovingkindness, compassion and mercy of our heavenly Father to burn in my heart through the power of Holy Spirit so that my prayers might be set ablaze, no longer embarrassingly puny and apathetic. I want my minute to become a story that glorifies our Great and Victorious Lamb of God.

I love you, I am proud of you and I am looking forward to seeing you again soon!

Much love,

Mom