I woke up this morning remembered that Joel was gone.
Holy Spirit graciously keeps reminding me gone means pushed ahead in the race.. happy in Heaven.. he is well.. I can smile and be joyful about where and how he is.
Not that I wouldn’t much rather have him here and want to get up and look in on him and make sure he got home safe from closing at Donatos (Joel, I still have to look up how to spell it. Sorry.) or go greet him and ask him how things are going, hug him, kiss him… wish him a good morning.
I have to remember that he is gone every morning. It’s not a nice thing to wake up to. Most days I don’t know what to think.. how to feel.. what to do after remembering. Be sad is the obvious choice.
I’ve been trying for days to choose to be thankful.. to find things to be thankful for. Then yesterday, I tried to count it all as lost and seek to know Christ. It’s been hard work… trying.. striving.. but I haven’t known what else to do. I’ve felt lost and alone.. praying for grace and anointing.. for Jesus to pour in His anointing oil and bind up my broken heart.
This morning was different. After I remembered that Joel was gone and what gone meant, there was a new grace. The joy in knowing that all was well with Joel in Heaven flowed over into a choice that was available to me to make. Joy was a choice and I had the grace to choose it and maybe Holy Spirit even gave me a little push in joy’s direction.
It wasn’t like the past couple of weeks where it was an exercise of my mind to find some other choice than being sad.. searching for things to be thankful for.. searching for some way to draw near to Jesus.. searching for the right choice.. for the right thing to do.
It was just there.. joy.. I could chose it if I wanted. Thank you, Lord, for grace for today.
It’s not that I haven’t had any joy since Joel’s pushed ahead.. and it’s not that I am not still sad, or that I am over missing him. It’s just that joy has been made available to me in the midst of it.. and I am thankful for it… for the rest in it today.