Through Every Season

An Honest Update: Not the One I Wanted to Write

Today I am taking a day of worship.  It’s been a really long time.
It had been my normal way of life.
Work; Sew; Worship; Pray.
“All I want is Your will,” lyrics played from my ipod.
I couldn’t sing them. I don’t want God’s will at all.
I want mine.  His feels risky.

I know He is good and all He wants for me is the best
and that He works all things for my good.  BUT I don’t want
Him to have to work all things for my good.
I want to control everything in such a way that it’s all good to begin with.
“God, please, change of heart.”

I noticed that I’d started feeling safe (last few days).
I haven’t felt safe since I was diagnosed
with breast cancer a little over 18 months ago.
I’ve had at least a little “discomfort” since my surgery last June.
It’s hard to feel safe when you are in pain.  Pain is stressful.

I realized I only felt safe because I’ve been refusing to really pray.
The kinda prayers that are two way.. where I listen and obey as well as talk.

I’ve been shooting off these kind of prayers when I notice Him..
“Oh, God, it’s You creeping into my thoughts.  I am still kinda hurt.
Don’t really want to talk to you. You are scary.  I don’t feel safe with
You in control.  I’d rather pretend that I am in control and
can live happily ever after; no more facing death, loss, trouble.”
I don’t want to deal with stuff..
clutter, car repairs, food allergies, selling used books, school.

I only want to play; sew decorate.

I found a TV show I like to watch while home alone.
I never watch TV alone.

The noise helps cover up the silence
of not praying, worshiping and listening continually.

I was due for my one year check up last month.
I’d really rather keep pretending that I am in control
and avoid any more possibilities of
“suffering much from many doctors.”

I’ve stopped fighting the pain.
It took a really long time to accept that
it may be a part of the rest of my life.

I HATE when people ask how I am doing.
Mostly because it reminds me: I am the same.
I still have pain; pain that I can ignore when I busy
but that annoys the heck out of me when I try to relax.
I haven’t seen any improvement since last October.
My allergy is actually worse. Things that didn’t bother me.. bother me now.
How much more sensitive can.. I won’t even finish that question.

Please, think of some happy thought when you see me, instead of,
“Oh, I need to remember to pray for Jenny.”

I feel silly asking God to deliver me all the time..
I know I’ve asked enough, believed enough..

How are we supposed to live?????  Pray and fast until healed?
Might help with the weight I’ve gained from stress eating.

How do you move on to the acceptance part of the grieving process
when you are praying and believing for wholeness and restoration?!

Months drag on, hopes raised and dashed at every little sign of
improvement or dis-ease. I want it all to end!  I can’t take it anymore!

I’d rather accept what I have than live with
a split personality of acceptance/rebuking/pleading.
Then.. God whispers my name, or I see someone else’s suffering…
and I long for wholeness again.  Not just for me,
but an overflowing wholeness that touches everyone I meet.

“Come on now, God, if You aren’t going to
heal me this side of heaven, just tell me.
I’d like to think happier thoughts when I think of You!!!”

God often speaks to me in dreams.
I dreamed of a weasel biting me two nights in a row.
Lost a bunch of sleep (sorry for the sleep deprived rant).
I have definitely felt like God has weaseled out of His promise to me;
felt like He has be come dangerous… might bite me if I let Him close.

My feelings are ALL WRONG; A LIE.
God is not a man that He could lie.
All His promises are YES AND AMEN IN JESUS.
I am healed by His stripes.
He loves me ACTIVELY..
not only in word but IN TRUTH!!!

“Lord, help me not to only know and believe but to trust.
Give me one heart and mind to love you.”

Worship brings it all out into the open.



1 Comment

  1. Wendy

    I really appreciate your honesty. I know it's hard to admit to yourself, let alone the world, how you're really feeling. I know journeling really helps me. Just vometing all my thoughts out to God. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one that doesn't have it all together and falls in the faith from time to time. Love ya!

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