Month: July 2012

.. was a title I considered for my last post.  🙂

Later that night, Mike and I settled in to watch
an episode of a fun TV show to relax.
Their theme was intentionally, overtly obvious:
“Leaving the past behind.”
I told Mike, “I want to but it keeps following me around.”

Afterwards, he checked the mail and there was something
from one of my surgeons.. it was a $25 refund.. which was nice..
but all I could think was “Will this day ever end?”

I spent yesterday worshiping again.  It was less emotionally trying,
but more physically trying as I struggled with my corn allergy.

I bought new curtains for my bedroom.
They needed ironing.
The steam from the iron made the sizing
(starch – from corn, of course)
steam up and make me sick.
I would have washed them first,
but they are dry clean only.

I spent a good part of the day re-designing the curtains (future post)..
and part on the floor because I was so sick from the steam.
I didn’t want to quit and have to face them another day.
Many times my reaction to a second exposure is much worse

All that and I still felt much better having vomited up that last post.  🙂

Love,

Jenny

Today I am taking a day of worship.  It’s been a really long time.
It had been my normal way of life.
Work; Sew; Worship; Pray.
“All I want is Your will,” lyrics played from my ipod.
I couldn’t sing them. I don’t want God’s will at all.
I want mine.  His feels risky.

I know He is good and all He wants for me is the best
and that He works all things for my good.  BUT I don’t want
Him to have to work all things for my good.
I want to control everything in such a way that it’s all good to begin with.
“God, please, change of heart.”

I noticed that I’d started feeling safe (last few days).
I haven’t felt safe since I was diagnosed
with breast cancer a little over 18 months ago.
I’ve had at least a little “discomfort” since my surgery last June.
It’s hard to feel safe when you are in pain.  Pain is stressful.

I realized I only felt safe because I’ve been refusing to really pray.
The kinda prayers that are two way.. where I listen and obey as well as talk.

I’ve been shooting off these kind of prayers when I notice Him..
“Oh, God, it’s You creeping into my thoughts.  I am still kinda hurt.
Don’t really want to talk to you. You are scary.  I don’t feel safe with
You in control.  I’d rather pretend that I am in control and
can live happily ever after; no more facing death, loss, trouble.”
I don’t want to deal with stuff..
clutter, car repairs, food allergies, selling used books, school.

I only want to play; sew decorate.

I found a TV show I like to watch while home alone.
I never watch TV alone.

The noise helps cover up the silence
of not praying, worshiping and listening continually.

I was due for my one year check up last month.
I’d really rather keep pretending that I am in control
and avoid any more possibilities of
“suffering much from many doctors.”

I’ve stopped fighting the pain.
It took a really long time to accept that
it may be a part of the rest of my life.

I HATE when people ask how I am doing.
Mostly because it reminds me: I am the same.
I still have pain; pain that I can ignore when I busy
but that annoys the heck out of me when I try to relax.
I haven’t seen any improvement since last October.
My allergy is actually worse. Things that didn’t bother me.. bother me now.
How much more sensitive can.. I won’t even finish that question.

Please, think of some happy thought when you see me, instead of,
“Oh, I need to remember to pray for Jenny.”

I feel silly asking God to deliver me all the time..
I know I’ve asked enough, believed enough..

How are we supposed to live?????  Pray and fast until healed?
Might help with the weight I’ve gained from stress eating.

How do you move on to the acceptance part of the grieving process
when you are praying and believing for wholeness and restoration?!

Months drag on, hopes raised and dashed at every little sign of
improvement or dis-ease. I want it all to end!  I can’t take it anymore!

I’d rather accept what I have than live with
a split personality of acceptance/rebuking/pleading.
Then.. God whispers my name, or I see someone else’s suffering…
and I long for wholeness again.  Not just for me,
but an overflowing wholeness that touches everyone I meet.

“Come on now, God, if You aren’t going to
heal me this side of heaven, just tell me.
I’d like to think happier thoughts when I think of You!!!”

God often speaks to me in dreams.
I dreamed of a weasel biting me two nights in a row.
Lost a bunch of sleep (sorry for the sleep deprived rant).
I have definitely felt like God has weaseled out of His promise to me;
felt like He has be come dangerous… might bite me if I let Him close.

My feelings are ALL WRONG; A LIE.
God is not a man that He could lie.
All His promises are YES AND AMEN IN JESUS.
I am healed by His stripes.
He loves me ACTIVELY..
not only in word but IN TRUTH!!!

“Lord, help me not to only know and believe but to trust.
Give me one heart and mind to love you.”

Worship brings it all out into the open.

Love,

Jenny