I woke up this morning to my subconscious scheming how “next time” I’d devise a way to protect Joel.  I had to tell myself, “There will not be next time.  You can not protect Joel or anyone else.”  It’s just too horrible for my subconscious to believe it’s true.

Last summer when the kids first started finding things to do away from home, I had to tell myself the same words, “You can not protect them.  You have to let go and trust God.  They are growing up now.”

Caving, swimming at waterfalls, ATVing.. talks of motorcycles..  then hearing on the news about a 19 year old who drowned while swimming too near a waterfall.  Mike won’t allow Judi to have a trampoline.  Two years ago.. two totaled cars ago, trusting God with their driving was a battle.  I am not sure how much my heart can take.

Earlier this week, I dreamed that Joel had been in a car accident and I was rushing him to the hospital.. and believed that someone, somehow was going to be able to save him.  I had to re-face the fact that he was beyond any medical professional’s help… there was no hope, no chance.

I keep fighting hope, fighting dreams with the reality of this fallen world… with the hope of Heaven and Jesus’ eminent rescue.

I am tired.. physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually..

I fight by continually going over and over the Words the Lord has spoken to me during this time.  I am so thankful for them.. even the painful ones.  His Word is life.

Think of Joel as having pushed ahead of you in the race..

He knows my thoughts before I think them. (and still loves me.. so thankful.)

Run with perseverance..

Try to learn to be content..

Rest.. it’s God that does the work in you

Rejoice in hope..

Repent from useless thoughts (Romans 1:21)

Jesus is a Wounded Healer..

Be strong and very courageous.  (Josh 1:8 .. a foundational verse for Mike and I early in our marriage.)

My Peace I give.. (peace that passes understanding.. that gives us strength to go on.. )

Then this week:

Ephesians 3:14-19 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in Heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I am fighting to stand firm in FAITH.. holding on by a thread.. feeling like a small puff of wind is all it would take to send me careering down the ravine.

Fighting to believe that GOD LOVES ME.. that His love is greater.. that He’s the one holding me.. that I am not alone.  Praying all the more fervently for others in the battle… for the ones struggling to hold on to His Word like me and for the ones who haven’t heard.

Fighting to wait for the HOPE that does not disappoint… HIS LOVE…  (Romans 5:5)

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.