Year: 2014 (Page 2 of 2)

Good Friday: His Stunning Suffering Love

April 18, 2014 / Jennifer Coleman / 7 Comments

I’ve been stunned by Jesus’ humility this Passover/Lent season. I think I am just beginning to understand that the Creator of the Universe put aside all of His majesty and glory to suffer along side of us… to die the horrible death of the cross for us… to really love us. He couldn’t demonstrate His love towards us while sitting on His throne in glory. He had to humble Himself… to draw near to us… to suffer.. in order to really love us. LOVE could do nothing less.

One of the first things I learned after losing Joel was that we grieve deeply because we love deeply.

Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by others, and a man of sorrows, intimately familiar with suffering; and like one from whom people hide their faces; and we despised him and did not value him.

Love requires humility and suffering. When God asks us to love Him with all of our hearts, all of our souls and all of our strength and to love others as ourselves, He is inviting us to enter into His suffering heart. He is asking us to abide in His love which was humble and lowly and which willing suffered the death of the cross for us.

His love is truly stunning.

Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!

Hebrews 2:17 For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.

Jesus asked us to partake of Passover in “remembrance of Me.” When we drink the wine, we are to remember the blood that He poured out for us. When we eat the bread, we are to remember His flesh given for us. The flesh that He took on so that He could draw near to us. His flesh that was despised and rejected, beaten and spit upon and yet carried that heavy cross up to the mount of the skull for us and suffered and died for us. When we eat and drink of Him we are communing with His suffering and we are to remember that He is communing with ours.

Then comes Easter Sunday when we celebrate His Resurrection. We are celebrating not only our new life in Him but also our future resurrection with Him and the death of death. All things will be made new! How I long for that day!

1 Corinthians 15:54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

A couple of weeks ago, the plea bargain agreement that the young man who murdered Joel asked for was presented to Mike and I. Although Joel was the only one killed that night, the case was much larger than just us because he (Tim) had shot into a crowd of kids; injuring several others, also.

We decided that for our part that we were willing to agree to the plea bargain as an act of mercy towards Tim. God has given us so much grace this whole time to forgive. Our only hearts desire has been to:

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Last Thursday afternoon, we were told that he would be sentenced the next morning. A good friend asked if we had written a Victim Impact Statement. No one had really talked to us about one. It was our opportunity to honor Joel; to show that he was more than a case number and a name on a sheet of paper.

God gave me grace to sit and write the things on my heart that afternoon. When Mike came home from work, he was able to write what was in his heart; completing what I was unable to put into words. It was truly a miracle of grace that we were able to write it so quickly.

Two of my girl friends dropped everything to meet us at the court house the next morning. I am so thankful for them. Their presence gave me so much strength and courage.

The court room was loud and busy; twenty or so inmates had just been seated to wait for their motions, plus their lawyers and others signing papers, walking in and out and back and forth across the room. We were unintentionally seated just one row directly behind Tim. It was Mike and I’s first time to see him in person (Josh’s second). We watched as he signed papers and read our Victim Impact Statement. He looked young and vulnerable next to other inmates in the room and I felt for him; so much loss that night.

Judge Smith put our case at the top of his agenda so that we wouldn’t have to wait long. The noise and busyness of the court room made it difficult to hear, but when the District Attorney began reading our Victim Impact Statement before the judge for us, the room was quiet for just a moment. I pray that it has some small effect on everyone that heard.

Tim pleaded guilty to four Class A Felonies: one murder and three attempted murders, and was sentenced to 25 years in prison. He will be eligible for a parole hearing in 15 years from the date of his arrest according to current Alabama state laws.

Our Victim Impact Statement will be included on his record:

Victim Impact Statement
from Joel Manuel Coleman’s parents
Thursday, April 10, 2014

Your Honorable Judge Smith,

It would be impossible for us to describe to you the depth of the pain and heartbreak that we have experienced since losing our precious son, Joel Manuel Coleman, on the 7th of December, 2012. It would be as impossible as it would be to explain the joy we felt the first day that we held him in our arms, or as impossible as it would be to explain the depths of our love for him through the 20 years that we were given with him on this earth, or as impossible to explain as the great pride we felt about the young man he was growing to be. The only thing that comes close to the depths of our heartbreak is the depths and the heights and the widths of God’s love demonstrated towards us when His Son, Jesus, took on human form and died on the cross for us.

Joel had started college and was just promoted to a shift manager at his work. He was beginning to realize some of his hopes and dreams and was becoming a prolific guitar player. Joel was a best friend to each of his siblings and a loving and devoted son to us. He was loved deeply by his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He lived his life humbly, honorably, and to the fullest. He worked hard, studied hard, and played hard. He loved hiking, nature, making people laugh, playing his classical guitar, and playing with our pets. He treated everyone he met (young and old) with love and respect, listened to their joys and sorrows, put his arm around them, and made them feel like they were his best friend. We miss him terribly each and every day. The pain we feel will never completely go away as we continue to realize the lost opportunities of Joel’s life on this earth and miss his fun and joyful presence.

The night of the 7th of December is a nightmare that we sometimes cannot believe really happened. We wouldn’t want any parent to experience the depths of pain and heartbreak that we now feel. Our only hope is that those who’s life’s were spared on that awful night, including Timothy Goldsmith, will turn their hearts towards God and live in such a way as to honor God and share His love with others. Nothing can change what was done to our son Joel or the pain we have endured. Only God’s grace and the expectation of being reunited with Joel in God’s Kingdom can help us to get through the great loss we are experiencing. It is not for us to determine what anyone’s fate should be, so we trust God and this court to ensure whatever justice is required is delivered.

Sincerely,

Joel’s parents

My prayer for all of us this season:

Ephesians 3:14-21 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Love,

Jenny

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Listening for His 1,2,3 And

March 14, 2014 / Jennifer Coleman / 1 Comment

“But I will leave among you A humble and lowly people, And they will take refuge in the name of the LORD. Zephaniah 3:12

The Lord has been speaking to me a lot lately about humility, patience and childlike faith. I am SO THANKFUL for His instructions… So thankful for the Fear of the LORD in my heart. It’s a gift. It’s a great blessing. I want to get.. to remember what He is teaching me. I pray He engraves it on my heart.. that it becomes a part of who I am.

Last month, I mentioned how since losing Joel on the 7th I’ve had remember to be nice to myself on the 7th of each month. This 6-7th of March, I had a breakthrough.. at least I think it was a breakthrough. It may not sound like a breakthrough to you, but for me it was a breakthrough and a fresh breaking of my heart.

There are different kinds of losses; each one effects us differently. Our family has moved quite a bit and every move has been a kind of death; a letting go and an opening up to what God has next for us. Moving away from Texas… from family… from home the third time was a big one. I had to let the part of me who loved being “Aunt Jenny” die. It was harder than when I’d left before only as a daughter and sister. I cried for a solid week over the miles that would separate us from our family in the years to come.

Before losing Joel, losing my mom’s mom had been the hardest loss for me. She always made me feel so loved and cared for. She and my Granddad read a chapter from the Bible every evening before bed. It so impressed me. My Mamalene loved to play hymns on the piano and the organ and helped instill in me a love for Jesus and worship and discipline and beauty.

I inherited her piano, china and china cabinet among other things when she died. A for weeks after they were all unpacked, I felt like they were screaming at me: “Your grandma is dead. Your grandma is dead.” Screaming; forcing me to believe the heartbreaking reality that I would never see her again this side of Heaven.

Last week, I had a similar experience… I don’t think I can bring myself to write… My head knew, but my heart just learned what it couldn’t even begin to believe… what just couldn’t be true.

I heard the Lord speak to me over and over this week. I need to be still and rest and know that He is God and trust that He’s going to keep me.. to work in me.. to walk with me step by step. Holding on to humility, patience and childlike faith are not new struggles. How I’ve struggled with being patient and waiting on the Lord. I’ve struggled with the lack I see in my life and with knowing there is more lack I don’t see. I’ve struggled with putting on humility and trusting Him with childlike faith.

One day this week, He pointed out to me the childlike faith of a dear sister in Christ in a way that said, “Isn’t it beautiful?” I was humbled. I so want to choose to walk in that kind of faith. I want to stay tender, hold on to my innocence, and keep a childlike trust even as I pick up my cross and follow Him through the darkest valleys and up the most treacherous mountains.

He reminded me this week how He’d taught me while homeschooling to lead my children with gentleness and patience at their own pace. I’d so wanted to hurry them, but His hand stayed me with Jacob’s words to Esau:

Genesis 33 13 “My lord knows that the children are tender and that I must care for the ewes and cows that are nursing their young… 14 So let my lord go on ahead of his servant, while I move along slowly at the pace of the flocks and herds before me and the pace of the children…”

Then He showed me in Isaiah how He is leading me the way He’d taught me to lead my children:

Isaiah 40:11 Like a shepherd, He tends His flock.
He gathers the lambs in His arms,
carries them close to His heart,
and gently leads the mother sheep.”

Who is Like the LORD?
12“Who has measured the waters of the sea
in the hollow of His hand
and marked off the heavens
by the width of His hand?…

13Who has fathomed the Spirit of the LORD,
or as his counselor has taught Him?
14With whom did He consult to enlighten
and instruct Him on the path of justice?
Or who taught Him knowledge
and showed Him the way of wisdom?

He is wise and able to lead me where I need to go. No need to rush. He is holding me close to His heart and gently leading me at a pace that is right for me. It’s not up to me. It’s up to Him. Christ in me is the Hope of Glory. My job is be still and wait on the LORD; listen and obey as He leads at the pace He has designed for me.

Psalm 31:9 Be merciful to me, Lord,
for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
…
14 But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hands..

I feel like God is inviting me into a dance with Him; wooing me with slow, soft, graceful music, that I must strain to hear over my deceitful heart’s loud, contorted cries compelling me to “speed up the pace.” The struggle in my heart leaves me stressed and confused and stepping on His toes. Be still, Oh my soul, trust in wait for and rely on the Lord! As good friend said,

“It’s hard to figure out how to let him lead…I guess just keep hanging on and leaning into him…”

I am so thankful for His faithful leading.. teaching.. wooing. I am so thankful that He is Wisdom and knows just the right pace for us. I am so thankful that He carries us close to His heart… that we can lean into Him. I am so thankful that He renews strength, hearts and minds.. that He keeps them as we focus our trust on Him.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you.

Our last move created in me a longing for roots. Roots in my family hall of faith. I hung pictures of our grandparents who’ve gone before us as a cloud of witnesses on the wall of my prayer room. This one of my Granddad and Mamalene is one of my favorites:

The Lord your God is in your midst.
He is a mighty savior, a victorious warrior.
He celebrates and sings because of you.
He takes great delight in you.

He will quiet and refresh you with His love.
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy
and delight you with His songs. Zephaniah 3:17

I am honing in my focus, listening for His “1,2,3 And.” I am trusting that as I humble myself and trust Him with a childlike faith that He will sweep me off my clumsy feet and continue to be faithful to teach me His slow, graceful, beautiful ways.

Abiding in His Love,

Jenny

Dwelling Safely in “The Cove”

February 27, 2014 / Jennifer Coleman / 6 Comments

I’ve mentioned in another post how God had been speaking to Mike and I about a coming “change” in the months before we lost Joel and some of the preparations we had been making for the “change.” I haven’t yet shared the preparations we experienced the week before we lost Joel.

Two Wednesdays before we lost Joel, a guest speaker visited our church. His message was “It is well.” Mike and I were both encouraged because we’d each heard and felt impressed with that same message and song on our hearts earlier that day. “It is Well” made such an impression on us that we included it in our list of songs for Joel’s memorial. We were so comforted to know that Joel was spending eternity in Heaven with Jesus and that God, like Joel’s name proclaims, was still sovereign and still with us.

The Sunday following the guest speaker’s visit, Mike and I took a short trip up to see the Smoky Mountains. We were able to take several trips that last year. They were much needed after going through breast cancer and a stressful job change the year before. We are very thankful that we had that time to heal together before losing Joel. We had a nice time in the Smokys, saw a couple of shows and went for a hike to Laurel Falls.

The hike was a little strange. I’d hiked there a couple years before with my parents and Joel and Judi..

This time with Mike I kept seeing visions of Joel and Judi walking just ahead of us. I’d never experienced anything like that before and I am still not sure what to make of it.

Tuesday morning, during my early morning worship time, I heard God quote

Jeremiah 33:3 to me: “Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and incomprehensible things you do not know.”

I responded with an awkward smile and, “I am good, God. I don’t have any questions.”

Wednesday morning, I woke with a sick feeling in my stomach. Later that afternoon on the way home my heart burned with a question for Mike. I asked him, “If any thing were to happen, who would you call?” He didn’t understand, so I clarified my question with another, “If I were to die, who would you call?!” He answered, “Donald.” Which I knew. Donald has been Mike’s best friend since high school. They’ve been through a lot together, including the loss of each of their fathers at a young age.

What I really needed to know was, “Who else?” “Which pastor?” I knew when we lived in Florida and Montgomery that he would have felt comfortable calling our pastors there. Our pastor in Montgomery was a loving father figure to us and our pastor in Florida a good friend, but although we’ve been faithfully attending our current church for several years, friendships have been hard to come by and it hasn’t felt like the family we’ve had and needed in other cities.

Later that evening, my Mother called. I knew immediately that something was wrong. She was grieving because a pastor/friend of ours had passed away and she had found out on Facebook. I had no idea that in just two days my son, James, would be requesting prayer on Facebook for our family because his brother had died. Knowing how awful that had been for my mother, I was in a panic the morning after loosing Joel; calling everyone I could before they read James’ post on Facebook. I forgot one very important person, our Thai daughter, Savannah. I am sorry, baby.

I’ve shared before how I’d spent my last day with Joel worshiping and putting up Christmas decorations and how he’d commented, “Normally it feels like Christmas.. but it doesn’t yet because I still have these final exams.” Later that day, I stood beside him in the kitchen and silently told God with a thankful heart how much I enjoyed just being in Joel’s presence. I now believe I was sensing a special anointing that he was to walk out that evening.

That afternoon, when Joel and Josh were preparing to leave for the birthday party, there were no warning alarms going off in my spirit. I was listening for them. I have tried mentor, guide and love my adult children without overly mothering them.. to be led of the Holy Spirit. They have been truly wonderful, obedient, loving children who listen to and obey the Holy Spirit and I’ve tried to respect them for it and leave plenty of room for Holy Spirit to work in them.

That day Joel had a determination to go that Josh couldn’t argue out of him. Most of the time it was the other way around; his siblings would beg him to go places, and he would bask in the attention. 🙂 After their argument, I asked Joel if the place they were going was safe. He answered, “Yes, it’s safe. It’s a fireman’s house. I don’t know why it wouldn’t be.”

I did hear the Lord say to ask Joel for a kiss under the mistletoe. I am sorry to say that I disobeyed. I didn’t get my goodbye kiss. I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his new friend and believed I could ask him later.

During our trip to the Smoky’s, Mike and I had spent some time discussing a possible name for our house. One of my aunts has a name for hers and we think that’s cool. That evening while they were at the party, Mike told me that he’d thought of the perfect name for our house: “The Cove.” We both liked it.. a safe place to love and raise our kids. We mentioned to each other how we thought Joel would think it was cool.

Losing Joel shattered my sense of safety on so many levels. Joel had taken on a protector role from the time Judi was born (when he was 17 months old). He spent most of his time at home in the front room and I’d always felt safe knowing he was there near the front door protecting us.

One night, during the blackout after the April 2011 tornadoes, we had a looter come to our back porch. Joel heard him and roared so loud that I swear it shook the house. Nothing wakes me except thunder loud enough to shake the house, and Joel woke me. The looter ran for his life.

To help heal my sense of safety, I’ve worked on several projects. One of which was to make this sign:

“The Cove,” the humor, and the paper air planes are all in Joel’s honor. He loved to make others laugh, to spend time at home, and to make paper air planes. He left one under our TV stand for our well armed and very dangerous cat, who loves to chase them.

The sign may have confused and sent two sales men on their way its first day up, but it obviously does nothing to keep me safe. If the LORD doesn’t keep us, nothing can.

We don’t understand why God didn’t protect Joel the night he was killed. There are so many things that could have gone differently: Josh could have never met and played football with the new kids two weeks before, Joel could have had to work that night as he did so many Friday nights, someone could have had a flat tire or car trouble, Joel could have chosen to stay home as he had so many times, but none of that happened. Joel had a special anointing on him that afternoon. Joel determined to go. Joel died. Everyone else lived. And I am thankful they did.

God is sovereign; He is with us. God was not taken by surprise. He knew Joel before we did, and saw him all the way through to Heaven.

Psalm 139:16-18 “Your eyes saw my unformed body;  all the days ordained for me were written in your book  before one of them came to be.  How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!  Were I to count them,  they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.”

God was gracious towards me and revealed to me the joy on His face the day Joel arrived at home:

Psalm 116:15 “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.”

Sign or no sign.

Shattered sense of safety or peace that passes understanding;

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure

    in Him, for He shields him all day long,
and the one the Lord loves

     rests between His shoulders.”

           Deuteronomy 33:12

Love,

Jenny

Sovereign Over Us (song)

February 26, 2014 / Jennifer Coleman / 0 Comments

God has been encouraging me to “Feed on His faithfulness.” This song I found this morning… is perfect.

Sovereign Over Us
~Aaron Keyes

There is strength within the sorrow,
There is beauty in our tears.
You meet us in our mourning,
With a love that casts out fear.
You are working in our waiting;
You’re sanctifying us.
When beyond our understanding,
You’re teaching us to trust.

Your plans are still to prosper,
You have not forgotten us;
You’re with us in the fire and the flood.
You’re faithful forever,
Perfect in love;
You are sovereign over us.

We trust You, loving King.

You are wisdom unimagined,
Who could understand Your ways?
Reigning high above the heavens,
Reaching down in endless grace,
You’re the Lifter of the lowly,
Compassionate and kind;
You surround and You uphold me,
And Your promises are my delight.

Your plans are still to prosper,
You have not forgotten us;
You’re with us in the fire and the flood.
You’re faithful forever,
Perfect in love;
You are sovereign over us

Your plans are still to prosper,
You have not forgotten us;
You’re with us in the fire and the flood.
You’re faithful forever,
Perfect in love;
You are sovereign over us.

You rescued!

Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good,
You turn it for our good and for Your glory;
Even in the valley You are faithful
You’re working for our good,
You’re working for our good and for Your glory.

Your plans are still to prosper,
You have not forgotten us
You’re with us in the fire and the flood
You’re faithful forever,
Perfect in love;
You are sovereign over us.

You’re faithful forever,
Perfect in love;
You are sovereign over us.

Holding on to Faith in Vulnerable Places

February 6, 2014 / Jennifer Coleman / 3 Comments

We live in a culture where there is so much instant gratification that some believe anyone can achieve instant gratification if they just have enough faith.

They focus on stories about slaying giants and winning victories while leaving out or explaining away the ones that are messy and hard. They quote Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

while leaving out the preceding verses where God explains that His plan includes 70 years of captivity to Babylon. When the verses are read together, you realize that God’s loving plan may include gratification delayed until Heaven.

Real Faith

Real faith isn’t built by instant gratification. Real faith stands the test of time. Real faith holds on to the belief that God is good when its circumstances are not. When wounded and weary, real faith rests. When left in the dark, real faith looks up to the One who made the stars and waits. Real faith obeys God even when it looks stupid to others. Real faith trusts in a God that collects each tear in His bottle.

When you are in a valley, you are especially vulnerable to attack. You need to know what real faith looks like so that you can endure. If you believe it looks like instant gratification, you are going to be attacked by guilt and condemnation when it doesn’t work out that way.

Real Stories

The Bible is honest about life and full of stories that are messy and hard and require endurance. Not every hard thing in the Bible was avoided by faith. Even Paul couldn’t pray the thorn in his flesh away. Some things are just difficult and painful and faith doesn’t make them hurt less.

My life in this valley is messy and hard right now. It’s difficult to paint a true picture… for the most part there just aren’t any words. I have a deep desire to share authentically because I believe that stories tidied up and wrapped in a bow can destroy those who are suffering with guilt, condemnation, isolation and shame. Real stories don’t always have commercial breaks or superficial Hallmark endings. I’ve been in this painful valley for a little over a year now. There is no tidy bow. I am still struggling, but I keep looking up to the same faithful Savior.

It’s Not All About Us

In Exodus 14 God lets Moses in on His plan to place Israel in a vulnerable situation, harden Pharaoh’s heart, and entice him chase after them so He could gain glory for Himself and show the Egyptians that He is the Lord.

His plan was FOR the Egyptians. I love that He does things not only for us, but also for those who desire to kill or enslave us. I love that he hardens the hearts of pharaohs, so He can show many hearts His glory. I hope that God will use this very vulnerable place that I now find myself in for His glory, too.

God had shown Moses a plan and purpose for putting Israel in danger, and Moses understood that it would be for God’s glory. Moses didn’t know what God would do next, and yet he responded to Israel’s fearful cries with extraordinary faith.

As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” – Exodus 14:10-12

Moses answered the people with faith that said,

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.” Exodus 14:13

The next verse has hung on my wall since going through breast cancer:

It has been a word in due season that has strengthened and encouraged me when I couldn’t do much more than “be still” for months while I allowed my body to heal.

Still in Vulnerable Places

I’ve spent a lot of time being still before the Lord this past year as well. After loosing Joel on December 7, the 7ths became Exodus 14:14 days for me. I’ve learned that I have to be especially nice to myself on the 7th of each month; I have to be still and let the Lord fight for me. I have prayed for help, wisdom, comfort, and healing. I have been still in His presence waiting for His direction and answers. I have been obedient in what I have known to do to the best of my ability.

This past Thanksgiving, the kids’ favorite holiday, was our last “first” without Joel. Then came the first anniversary of Joel’s Homegoing. Joel spent most of his last earthbound day at “home” with me studying for finals, talking to me, and playing his guitar while I put up our Christmas decorations. Putting up and taking down Christmas decorations now means reliving that last day. It was really hard, but I was determined to be thankful for all the days we had with Joel and not to dread Christmas.

I don’t want to dread Christmas. I love Christmas. I love that Jesus became one of us so that He could show us His love for us on the cross. The wreaths, trees, lights, candy canes and nativities all comfort me. The 175 of names of Jesus on my Christmas tree comfort me. I love being surrounded by reminders of His love for me. Most of all it comforts me to remember that Jesus drew us to Himself before Joel lost his life… that Joel is now in Heaven seeing Jesus face to face. We are blessed. It all comforts and pains me.

Not having Joel Manuel here with us, not having him come in the kitchen and see how Christmas lunch preparations are coming, not having him help set the table, not having him sit and eat with us, not having him play games with us is excruciatingly painful and rightfully mourned. Although I had managed not to dread Christmas, I found myself running into my closet several times on Christmas day to let out deep, sorrowful screams into my pillow.

A few days after Christmas, we took a weekend trip to a place we had taken Judi and Joel just 4 years before. We made it through remembering/imagining seeing Joel just around the corner there. Then a friend lost their daughter. We spent New Years Eve grieving for her and her family and for Joel and for the new year we had to spend without him. Judi turned 20 on the 4th of January. She is now the age Joel was when we lost him last year. We made it through all of it with joy and hope and sorrow and tears.

On the 7th of January, I got in my car to drive to a party and discovered that I hadn’t truly made it through. It’s in the privacy of my car that I often discover that I am not okay; I am still in the midst of my grief and I need God to fight for me like never before. I thought we had reached a finish line. I thought that after the first year, I could stop observing the 7ths. I discovered that after “firsts” come “seconds.”

My heart counts the 7ths involuntarily. The 7ths are still Exodus 14:14 days for me. I don’t know how long this will last. I chose in the middle of this discovery to be still and to be obedient to breathe even though it HURT, and though I was deeply disappointed and ashamed that it was all I could be obedient to do.

Moses’ Faith

This week, I heard a message that taught that being still wasn’t enough, that Moses was rebuked for telling the people to be still, that being still wasn’t acting in faith, that instead of being still Moses should have moved.

I was crushed. Was there something I was missing? If I had enough faith, could I just walk out of my valley?

I decided to reread the context for myself and I understood something for the first time that really encouraged me.

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? – Exodus 14:13-15a

God’s response was to Moses.

“THEN THE LORD SAID TO MOSES”

There is no record here of Moses crying out to God in unbelief or fear. Moses’ FAITH was what cried out to God. His command to Israel to be still spoke louder than all over one million Israelis’ cries of terror. I believe that God’s question was not a rebuke but a deep emotional response to Moses’ faith.

FAITH IS WHAT REALLY MOVES GOD.

Moses didn’t know the plan for escape. He had never seen a sea parted and dry land appear. Where was he supposed to move to? He only knew that God was good and sovereign and had a plan. He believed that God would show him what to do next if they could stand firm, be still and wait on the Lord. It was a stance of trust in the face of certain death for a over million of God’s people.

Mike said that he is coming to believe our faith shouldn’t be in our faith or “in a particular outcome, but in God’s sovereignty and goodness.”

God invites us to cry out to Him in faith for wisdom when we are in the midst of trials (James 1:2-5). He will not rebuke us. He delights in showing Himself strong in our weakness and in coming to our aide.

God Wants Our Hearts

God’s deepest desire is for relationship with us.

He proved it in the extravagant act of giving His ONLY begotten SON for us.

God put His own Son in a vulnerable place so He could show us His glory.

Relationships require faith, trust and vulnerability.

If God had only wanted obedience, He would have never sent Jesus to die for us. He would have laid out the whole plan for Moses in verses 1-4, Moses would have parted the sea and the Israelites would have walked straight through. Instead, He tested Moses’ willingness to trust Him in a very vulnerable place. And if such a thing were possible, I believe that Moses’ faith exceeded God’s expectations.

To say that Mike and I don’t know or understand all of God’s plan, would be a huge understatement. We don’t understand why God allows so much pain and suffering in us (personally or collectively in the human race). We only know, as the meaning of Joel Manual Coleman’s name proclaims, that God is sovereign, that God is with us and most importantly we know that God is good.

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” 1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT

We are waiting on the Lord and obeying as He gives us grace and instruction. Holding on even when that grace and instruction is only to stand still.. to breathe.. and wait for Him to fight for us. We are standing in faith even when that instruction is to wait in a vulnerable place where we feel like God could have come up with a better plan.

We have a long way to go, but we are trusting that He is the “author and perfecter of our faith,” that at the end of our race we, too, will see Him face to face. If we hear that longed for, “Well done, good and faithful servant” as He wipes away our tears, it will be because He has been faithful in us and found glory for Himself through saving us. At last, we will hug our Joel and sing and dance with him in a triumphal song of praise for all God has done for us and because our last enemy, Death, has been swallowed up in His victory.

Exodus 15:2
The Lord is my strength and my song,
and He has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

For now I am singing

Love,

Jenny

Praying for Words

February 6, 2014 / Jennifer Coleman / 2 Comments

I have some writing to do. The last few months have been hard.. too sorrowful for words.

I’ve been praying for words for the last several weeks, because I know that if I don’t write now it’ll be several more months before I will be able to write again. We have our first “court setting” in April. We don’t know if there will be a trial or not. We do know that we “have” to go. I’ve been asked the question several times. Well meaning friends don’t want us to “have” to suffer through a trial. They don’t understand what staying home would feel like… how it would be an abandonment of Joel.. a denial of our love for him.. how it would look to a jury. They need to see that Joel is important to us.. that we love him.. that he is a real person.. that loosing him hurt us.

If Joel’s shooter takes a plea bargain or pleads guilty, we won’t have to face a room full of jurors. Either way we will have to face Joel’s shooter (Tim) and a judge and a sentencing. There is even more evidence against him than we realized. He passed his mental evaluation. When the woman from Victim Services called to tell me the “good news,” she couldn’t understand how I couldn’t be glad with her the evening before the first anniversary of Joel’s Heaven day. We’ve been told that a trial won’t help his case, but if or not we have go through one is up to Timothy; up to if or not he has enough courage to stand before a judge and plead guilty.

My heart toward Timothy remains the same as it has from the beginning. I pray that when we meet him for the first time, that we will be able to show him God’s love and forgiveness toward him.. that that Love will overwhelm him and bring him and his whole family to salvation.. that one day he will live a life that is truly free and happy and full of love and salvation.

Please be praying for us, the other families involved in the case, and for Timothy..

Ephesians 3:14-21 “For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height – to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”