Tag: Loss of Joel (Page 7 of 7)

Relections on Heaven at Refection Riding Arboretum

April 23, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 1 Comment

Warning: Lots of photos

Saturday after lunch, we went to the Refection Riding Arboretum

at the foot of Lookout Mountain in Chattanooga.

We so enjoyed walking it’s 3 mile loop which you can drive, bike or walk.

These horses reminded me of a Canadian TV show we’ve been enjoying, Heartland.

The cool spring breeze was so refreshing.

Had to get one more with the mountain in the background. 🙂

The Arboretum has a has a level 4 rating which means

it has labled at least 120 different species of trees.

Everything is colored with missing Joel now.

We could not help thinking about how much he

would have enjoyed the hike as we walked along.

He would have loved everything about it.. the beauty, the adventure, the history, the day.

Wild hydrangeas.

As I snapped photos, I wondered if Joel and Jesus went on hikes together

and if they ever had any need for photos or scrapbooks.

One room cabin with spring feed water basin.

This cabin was dedicated to John and Margret by their grandchildren with

Psalm 19:1-3

The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaims his handiwork.

Day to day pours forth speech, and night to night declares knowledge.

There is no speech, nor are there words; their voice is not heard;

yet their voice goes out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world.

Favorite flower picture.

I hear that the colors in Heaven are even more amazing than any we’ve ever seen.

These flowers were growing on a Florida Anise Tree

These mushrooms reminded me of our very first real nature walk together

at OP Schnable Park in San Antonio. The Lord so blessed us that day with tons

of different mushrooms, bees and mating garter snakes.

Pages from Joel’s Nature Journal

Joel was 10 years old.

We all took turns using our first digital camera.

Joel’s version of what the snakes were doing below. 🙂

We had to look up what kind of snakes they were

We were all amazed by God’s creation.

The one below was from a different walk at OP Schnable.

We went there often; there was so much to see

and it was an easy drive from our house.

We met our good friends, the Chagoyas, there just last May.

Back to the Arboretum..

We’ve been to St. Augustine. Glad we didn’t have to walk here from there.

Cherokee monument.

Joel so enjoyed taking nature photos.

Will I get to see all the scrapbooks he’s collected when I get there?

About halfway through our hike we came upon this rock.. it amazed me..

I took half a dozen photos and still could capture the wonder of it so I took a video.

There was water springing up from the rock.. it reminded me of the water God provided in the wilderness for the Israelites and these verses from

Revelation 21
1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away,

and there is no longer any sea…3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying,

“Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be

His people, and God Himself will be among them,4and He will wipe away every tear from

their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying,

or pain; the first things have passed away.” 5 And He who sits on the throne said,

“Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”

6 Then He said to me, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.

I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost.

I’ve wondered many times how spending time with Jesus will work in Heaven.

Will thousands of others be sharing my long, quiet walk with Jesus?

In Revelation 21:22 John says,

“I did not see a temple in the city, because

the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple.”

I was glad when I read in Anne Graham Lotz book, Heaven My Father’s House, last night

that I wasn’t the only one who’d wondered.. and who’d selfishly not wanted to give up

the wonderful, intimate, daily, individual, fellowship that we enjoy with Him now.

Anne believes that “There will be no place in Heaven

where God is not physically, actually present!

Because He is omnipresent,

He will live fully and completely with me every moment,

as though I were the only resident of Heaven!

And He will live every moment fully and completely with

you as though you were the only resident of Heaven!

What a wonderful place Heaven will be!”

Mike noticed, while on our hike, that sometimes the path would disappear beneath

the forest overgrowth and we would have to look up ahead to find where to go next.


Mike at edge of a bamboo forest.

He said that in life we can get so focused on the here and now

that we feel lost and have to look up to find eternal perspective again.

Beekeeper hives center right.

I’ve been meditating on Colossians 3:1-4 lately.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above,

where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above,

not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

I meditated on it before.. to keep myself in check that I didn’t love earthly things too much;

now because earthly things are too unbearable.

Mike’s view.

My view.

Wild flowers and dandelions.

Yet another view.. what’s that in the distance?

Turtles enjoying the sun.

So nice to take time and listen to the heavens

and the earth declaring God’s glory.

Dogwood tree.

And for a grand finale an Azalea bush.

Looking up,

Jenny

Celtic Women in Concert

April 23, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 0 Comments

Mike and I had a very nice time away this weekend. He took me to see Celtic Women in concert Friday night in Chattanooga. He’d surprised me with tickets for Valentine’s Day.

It was so sweet of him. Celtic music is my favorite.

I love the clogging, the bagpipes, all the stringed instruments; it’s all so beautiful.

The stage was beautiful. We had good seats. The singers were very jovial

which made the show all the more enjoyable. The way the violinist danced and

especially twirled around while she played was amazing.

The climax of the show for me was when they played Amazing Grace on the bagpipes.

I found a youtube video.. but it’s just not the same as being there.

They sang some sad songs: “O, Danny Boy,” of course, “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mes

(I had to find my tissues). Then towards the end they sang, “The Parting Glass.”

I could just see Joel up on stage dancing around, smiling, lifting a cup of joy to us.

He loves to dance and is always smiling.. and I know his cup is overflowing with joy.

Of all the comrades that e’er I had

They’re sorry for my going away

And all the sweethearts that e’er I had

They’d wish me one more day to stay

But since it fell unto my lot

That I should rise and you should not

I gently rise and softly call

Good night and joy be to you all

Warning: cute video of Joel playing freeze dance with all the girls at
Judi’s 10th birthday party.

James is playing the part of the dizzying
camera guy.

My Family Quilt Story: God’s Story

April 16, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 2 Comments

I started my family quilt 12 years ago when a friend of mine lost her husband to colon cancer. He was 36 years old, in the military and had a 1 and 3 year old son.

I had prayed, “God how should I pray for healing here on earth or that he’d quickly go to Heaven?” I’d heard very clearly, “Pray for healing.” One night while interceding on the floor beside my bed, I had a vision of Jesus interceding beside me. The sicker he became the closer we believed he was to healing.. when he died we prayed for resurrection.

Days passed and I prayed, “What happened?” And God answered that it was my job to pray; His to answer; sometimes the answer would be no. And I learned that He was God and I was not.

In the trauma of it all, I decided to make a quilt of my family so they would live “forever” in a quilt. As I worked on the quilt, I prayed for help as I do for everything. I was shocked when I felt His presence helping and guiding me especially with the drawings of my family, which are far above my abilities, because in my heart, I knew I was rebelling against God’s omnipotence and wisdom.

As I made the quilt, I understood what some of it meant. I knew the tree trunk was Abba God’s hand at work in the midst of everything.. holding everything together with strength and majesty; the dove was Holy Spirit moving across the earth in power. I knew, of course, that Jesus had James in his arms. James has aspergers and being both mom and teacher to him I often worried about him not fitting into the mold, not learning how to read until he was 13 etc., but the Lord continually gave me dreams showing me that He was taking care of James and not to push him.

Most of the time I was too fearful to ask the Lord what the rest of the quilt meant. I was afraid that James being in Jesus’ arms might mean that he was going to die, but one day while working on the border, I felt prompted to ask what all the blues meant. He answered me that they were days; some light and happy and others dark, but that He would be with me through them all.

I started this quilt in the summer of 2000, but I didn’t finish it until the spring before Joel went home. Homeschooling 4 kids didn’t leave a lot of time for quilting. I think I finished the middle part the first year, but then moves came, algebra, team sports etc.; months and sometimes years passed without a stitch.

Josh, Judi and Joel on piano in front of crazy quilt.

Then we were moving again, and I decided that I was going to finish the quilt. It had been so long since I’d started that I decided to stretch Judi out to make her taller, then I finished the quilt with a crazy quilt border and hung it in our house in Montgomery.. but I didn’t like it.

We moved again to Huntsville this time and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in February of 2011, I decided to take the border apart and start over with a different design. One of the ways I deal with grief is by being creative. The Creator creating through me helps bring healing.

Then finally, I was finishing the quit a second time and I wanted to add our new puppy to my quilt, but Joel said, “No, it should be like a frozen piece of time.” So I finished the quilt without adding her in and hung it in our music room… which was in a way Joel’s room. He almost never slept in his bed and only used the room he shared with Josh as a closet.

One day, while I was visiting Joel in his room with the quilt and admiring it, Joel said, “It looks like a stain glass window.” He liked the idea, but I had a problem with the thought that it might be memorializing my family. I didn’t want anyone to think that I put my family above God.. because I so didn’t. I actually agonized over leaving it up and thought about taking it down many times.

Joel and Josh in “Joel’s” room. Now named the music room in Joel’s honor.

So knowing full well that the quilt pattern I’d used for the new border was called “cathedral window,” I argued weakly that we weren’t apart of the stain glass window .. it was a clear window bordered in stained glass, and we were outside enjoying God’s creation.. picnicking or something. He looked at me like, “Yeah, right.”

On the Wednesday after Joel had been murdered, a friend from Birmingham brought us dinner, and my mother showed her the quilt, and I saw.. for the first time more meaning in it. I saw that Joel was the one up above all of us in God’s hand, that God knew all along that the number of Joel’s days would be short and that we would be left here on earth with Jesus in our midst.

The meaning of Joel’s names: Joel “God is Sovereign,” and Manuel “God is with us” were demonstrated in my quilt. We don’t live in a crazy quilt world.. a world bordered in chaos. We live in a cathedral window world. A world designed by God with beauty and purpose. A world were God works everything together for our good.

James is still in Jesus’ arms looking up at Joel.. seeing clearly that he is in God’s hands. Josh is leaning on Jesus fishing.. for men.. for answers.. for cures for the earth’s woes.. for wisdom and direction. Judi looks like she’s in a dream world chasing bunny trails.. but the angels (our rabbit, Angel, died of breast cancer at 10 years old shortly after we moved here) are close beside her. Mike is finding refuge in worshiping while leaning on our ROCK, as am I.. as I search, study and meditate on His word and as I record what He is teaching me.

In these dark days, the one thing that gives me the light of hope is remembering the instructions God gave me early in this grief journey .. to think of Joel as having pushed a head of us in the race.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says
“Seeing that we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race that is marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

It’s fun to think of running a race with Joel, and of course, he would push ahead of me and win, but maybe one day, in Heaven, I’ll get a re-match. It encourages me to think of Joel up in that great cloud of witnesses cheering all of us on and I look forward to meeting him again one day at the finish line as I keep persevering in this race while keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus.

I struggle daily with either wanting to re-write Joel back into the story God is writing so skillfully.. or begging God to bring me to the end of my story where my suffering ends, every tear will be wiped away and I will hold Joel in my arms again.

I am working intentionally on my grief; asking God for right thoughts to replace my deep longings. I work purposely and methodically at turning my thoughts to asking for strength and wisdom to live each day for His glory.

Psalm 139:16 says “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

This weekend the Lord showed me through this verse that not only was the December 7th marked out for Joel to lay down his life for his friends at the birthday party .. but today and however many days there are left until I see Him were laid out for me to continue living with His help for His glory. Joel’s story was written on mine before I was formed in my mother’s womb.

The following verse (verse 17) is embroidered on my quilt:

“How precious it is, Lord, to recognize that You are thinking about me constantly.”

Glory to God, Who’s ways and wisdom are far above ours and Who thinks about us constantly!

I Peter 4:12-13
“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.”

Love,

Jenny

Come

April 9, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 1 Comment

Come
Tuesday April 9, 2013

My old friend, the Morning, now stings with
Reality that I so long to see erased.

Lord, Jesus, come.
Be my Sun.

Tuesday, only Tuesday, how the days drag on.
When will I see your face?

Lord, Jesus, come.
Be my Sun.

Tears and more tears; sorrow clouds Joy.
But is not It’s undoing; only hate.

Lord, Jesus, come.
Be my Sun.

Lord, Jesus, you alone are my hope, my joy, my song,
The Morning, that I so long to see dawn.

Lord, Jesus, come.
Be my Sun.

Only Your loving kindness can make my heart,
my soul, my mind new. Come.

Lord, Jesus, come.
Be my Sun.

Come with Your peace.
Come flood me with Your joy.

Come let Love begin It’s healing work
On the ache from deep with in. Come.

Lord, Jesus, come.
Be my Sun.

Running with Perseverance

April 4, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 3 Comments

Yesterday morning, Mike asked me when I was going to have the trash can the tornado ripped apart picked up. I made the call a second time. It isn’t easy to arrange a pick up for when you are home and they won’t forget. I realized, too that it’s the trash can Joel took the trash out to.. the trash can Joel went and found after the tornadoes.. the trash can Joel duct taped together.. the trash can Joel brought into the garage on Wednesday nights.

It’s hard. Should I even allow myself go down that thought path? I
didn’t yesterday morning and here I am now at almost 3 AM. Maybe it’s
better just to do the hard thing and allow myself to grieve even over the
trash can that is so easily replaced.

Joel going to fish a trash can out of the April 2011 mess.

I had books (Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman, Heaven, and If God is Good by Randy Acorn) on hold at the library yesterday, so I went to pick them up on the way home from the chiropractor. The best route was the route Joel took the day that he totaled his car. I decided to take it.. to re-live it.. to face it. It was hard before Joel went home; harder now. I am so thankful that the city put in a much needed red light in response to Joel’s accident.

On the way home from the library, I chose another hard path; through the neighborhood just north of ours where I taught our three youngest how to drive just two years ago. We spent so much time in that blue van. Judi tipped one of the mail boxes on one trial run. I learned a lot about self denial and control in that neighborhood. I continue choosing to make myself do hard things, hoping that they will become easier with practice.

Mike planned this year’s vacations around Josh’s school schedule. We had originally thought we would spread Joel’s ashes in the Smoky Mountains during Spring Break, but Josh was unable get off from his new stocking job at Walmart and we decided we just weren’t ready.. weren’t sure it was the right thing to do, so we’re waiting for wisdom, peace and more grace.

Judi
and James had the beginning of the week off so we took them and a few
of Judi’s friends up to Pigeon Forge to stay in a cabin. It was a hard trip not
only because of our original plan but also because Mike and I had spent the
beginning of Joel’s last week on earth in Pigeon Forge. We were glad
to have the girls there as an extra distraction.

The girls on the cabin stairs. Miranda on top, Rebekah, Judi and Nichole.

Spring Break, Mike’s birthday and Passover all fell on the same week this year. I spent some time meditating on Jesus our Passover Lamb as I do each year while preparing to share the meaning of Passover in light of Jesus’ sacrifice. That Monday night was our first Passover without Joel.

I
explained to Judi’s friends that Passover is a Jewish day of
thanksgiving to God for their deliverance from slavery and bondage, and
that Jesus is God’s own dear Lamb sacrificed for our sins so that we
could be invited to join His family and enjoy deliverance from slavery
and bondage to sin.

Our Passover Table in Florida.

In the midst of my thoughts on Jesus’ and Joel’s deaths I found myself living with no will to live. I had just spent the week before coming to terms with the fact that it might be 60 years before I see Joel again. I had to accept that I could be in this for the long haul. Remembering the events leading up to Good Friday, the week of Jesus’
death, and His sacrifice as I was reliving the week of Joel’s death in Pigeon Forge was
not something I had planned. I needed the will to keep on living.

I began praying over and over, “Lord, if you are going to continue to leave me here to live, please, give me the ‘will and the do’ for it.”

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.”
Philippians 2:13

Finally, the Holy Spirit reminded me how God had instructed me to think of Joel when I was struggling early on. He had said, “Think of Joel as having pushed ahead of you in the race.. and crossing the finish line in front of you.”

Meditating on this thought worked quickly to renew my mind; gave me hope and light. It gives me joy to think of myself in a race with Joel, to think of Joel at the finish line waiting for me. It reminds me to keep my eyes on Jesus, resurrected and beautiful, Lamb on the throne, and it gives me the courage I need to run with perseverance.

Favorite picture of Joel in the Smokys.

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race that is marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

I remembered last night that Joel was several years old before he could pronounce his name properly. For the longest time, he would say his name was “Goel” with a hard “g” sound .. trying to get the “J” sound out right.

Then I realized, that his early mispronunciation was actually a real word with meaning: “Goal.” I will forever remember Joel and goal together now.. as I run my race, reaching towards my goal.

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the
test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has
promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

The long trip back Wednesday afternoon to our present home without Joel was still very difficult and filled with tears, but thinking of Joel at the end of his race in his true home did add hope and joy to my deep sorrow. Maybe our next Passover will be in the New Jerusalem.

Love,
Jenny

Instructions in the Night Seasons

March 18, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 3 Comments

I’ve had a difficult time expressing how I am doing lately. Words won’t come.. only tears.. To keep my head from exploding, I journal.. sometimes hours a day. Here is my most recent entry:

Sunday March 17th..

Last week, three months since Joel went home, I was struggling with the fact that murder had entered my “world;” that the evil of this world had been allowed to take my son away from me and I am still here.

Me with my new car. So blessed. We (our family) bought 6 cars in 2011. Long story.

I am having a difficult time wrapping my brain around living in such luxury and comfort as our daily American lives allow; living in such a dichotomy of good and evil. How do the two co-exist? Pain and comfort. Sorrow and joy. Good and evil.

Sometimes, I forget how to breathe.

In the midst of my anguish over losing Joel, I’ve been able to see God’s mercy. I am thankful that He protected us from loosing three of our children that night. Thankful that he allowed Josh to be a witness (he’s glad he was there).. while protecting the rest of our eyes from such horror… especially Judi’s.

This week I’ve struggled with the truth of God’s Word. I know His Word is true and His promises are “Yes, and Amen in Jesus” just like I know that His salvation is eternal.. not just until the next time I sin. He died for all my sins: past, present and future. They were all future when He died for me. This knowledge frees me from the bondage of condemnation; frees me to live free from the power of sin. I’ve lived by it most of my life.

I am fully trusting in His forgiveness and salvation.. But promises? I want to stand.. but I don’t know where or how anymore. Promises of healing? Many never receive until Heaven. Promises of a hope and a future? Are those for in Heaven too?

Romans 11:33 Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!

I am afraid even to write/think these words.. they are so selfish.. so many suffer so much all over the world. Please, Lord, forgive me. I say this with fear and humility. Where is Joel’s protection from harm? His hope and future.. but in Heaven?

Do I dare to hope again that Your promises will be true.. here.. for anyone else? Thank You, Lord, for the promise of Heaven… where You will wipe away all our tears and death will die. I look forward to the day when You will put Jesus’ last enemy under His feet.


Joel so proud of his first car. Proud to be learning how to drive stick.

All the boys cars in the drive way. Mom’s and Dad’s in the garage.

I understood that one day a car accident might take one of my children.. 16 months before Joel went home, He walked away from an accent where a large truck t-boned the car he’d owned only 10 days. The shock almost killed me. For weeks, I couldn’t speak of it. But murder.. a gun? I’ve lost all sense of security.

Joel the day after his wreck. I was so glad he was alive. No one could believe he walked away. He said he was sore; felt like he’d been playing football.

A thought I couldn’t allow myself to think last week was of the possibility that a trial could make Joel’s murder appear as just another tragedy; only bring attention to the evil in this world; actually glorify the devil. Isn’t that what most murders do? I so want God to be glorified in his death as He was in his life. What can I do but trust God? I obviously can not control what does or doesn’t happen in this world.


Joel was captivated by storms; displays of God’s awesome power.

He took these photos. Spring of 2011.

The sad thought that did run from the bitterness of my soul over and over through my heart and mind all last week was, “I don’t want to live here. I don’t want to live in such an evil world.” It was my way of praying, “Father, if there is any other way.. let this cup pass from me.”

Toward the end of the week, I began praying that God would help me to submit and humbly accept and live where He has placed me.

I am coming out of the shock and disbelief.
Moving into a wilderness of temptation.
Temptation to give up the good fight.

Praying for humility and grace.
Committing my heart..
To trust in God.

Standing firm in the belief of His goodness;
Of His good heart towards me..
Towards Joel.

Dwelling in the land..
This wilderness of pain and suffering.
This evil world.

Feeding on His faithfulness..
While afraid.. confused..
Desperately lost.

Not knowing which of His promises are for me.
Are for here..
For now.

Which are left..
Safe to stand on
When so many seem to have crumbled beneath my feet.

My hope is found in Christ alone.

Psalm 37:3 Trust in the LORD and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness.

Up until July of last year, I had been faithfully fighting/believing for my complete healing from my surgeries and other ailments. I grew weary of holding out for healing.. of praying.. 18 months of asking/believing intensely and specifically about the breast cancer.. years for other stuff.

I finally came to the point of “God heal me if and when you want to. I have asked enough. I have to move onto other things.” Praying that prayer freed me to receive the emotional healing I didn’t realize I needed. The emotional healing I so very much needed in preparation for Joel’s death. Now I need so much more.

My heart is broken.. crushed.
Numbness wearing off..

Coming to the end of one survival mode
Moving into another..
I am just beginning to feel the pain and loss.

Resting in “It’s God’s plan.. not mine.”
His timing.. there is no rushing through the trial.
I have to let it do it’s work in me.

It’s His strength that will carry me through.
He will complete the good work in me.

I will do the good works He’s laid out for me
As He enables me to do them.

Right now my work is to trust and believe..
To seek His face..
To worship..

To allow Him to work in me..
To obey as He leads..
To do what I see the Father doing.

The Lord spoke to me from Philippians 2:14 early this morning:
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

With instructions to, “Try to learn to be content.”

I was so glad to hear His voice that I didn’t mind at all that He was asking me to be content.. content to live in a world where my dearly beloved son, Joel, was allowed to be murdered; in this world of terrible evil and great blessing.

James 1:2-6 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought.

It’s something I believe I can learn.. mostly because He asked.. and I know He enables us to do the things He asks of us. I am so thankful for His instructions. I am counting on Him for them.. for a way out of this vast, dark wilderness… for something to stand on.

Psalm 16:7 I will bless the LORD, who has given me counsel. Yes, my heart instructs me in the night seasons.

I have a long journey ahead. I am taking my journey one step at a time as the Lord gives me strength; feeding on and trusting in His faithfulness to love and carry me through.

I am sharing it so honestly here partly for selfish reasons: for in the
past, it has freed me to keep moving forward in my journey… to
receive much needed healing, but I hope that it some how ministers to you, also.

Thank you for your prayers; especially for strength and God’s glory.

Preparations of My Heart for Change

February 14, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 2 Comments

I’ve been so afraid to go back and re-read my last two “Faith and Breast Cancer” posts. I couldn’t remember what I wrote. I remembered only all the pain and frustration I was feeling and how I so wanted to move forward.

Writing journaling, posting so helps me to move forward. If I couldn’t write, I would go crazy. Thank you for being listening ears.

The day of those post was a turning point for me. I stopped fighting the post mastectomy pain and accepted it. I returned to having regular prayer, seeking, waiting, worshiping times. I found peace and contentment, which was what I wanted. I was lost and didn’t know if I should be fighting/believing for more healing or resting content in what I had. Is it possible to do both? I think maybe I am now. ??

The Lord was speaking to Mike and I at that time about a “change” on the horizon. We were both seeking God about what we needed to do to prepare for the “change.” In the past, when there was a change on the horizon it’s meant a move or a new addition to the family. Mike started praying about preparing for early retirement and a new career. I prayed about a career of my own and about adding to the family through adoption. We’ve both had a heart for orphans. I read and prayed and learned a lot about adoption. I am still praying.

The sense about the “change” became so urgent I finally prayed, “God what do I need to do to prepare for the change?” He answered that I needed to meditate and worship. I thought, “Oh, that’s easy.” I was so glad that I was off the hook.. that the “change” was in His hands.

In August, I started feeling like I needed to go to a woman’s retreat of some kind. I had a schedule conflict with the one at our church. Finally, I decided that if I didn’t go to the Ramp’s Women’s Retreat that I would wish I had, so I bought two tickets.

The week before the retreat, it came to my attention that there were still things in my heart between me and God, and I started to panic. Nothing stays hidden at the Ramp. The presence of Holy Spirit is unmistakeable and very strong. I knew had to deal with my heart before Judi and I went, or risk crying publicly (possibly loudly) when my heart was undone in His presence, so I started praying and fasting. 🙂

The day before the retreat, the Lord showed me a hurt I had buried deep down while seeing doctors about my breast cancer. For me, having the mammograms done weren’t that bad. The biopsies, consulting with the first doctor alone.. all that was hard but not horrible.

Mike was with me the day one doctor told us with very strong words that we absolutely should not do the thing we had prayed about and really wanted to do. We eventually decided that God led us to him and took most of his advice.

The day of the surgery I had amazing peace.. peace like I’ve never felt before in my life. One of the nurses was kinda freaked out over my corn allergy and upset the doctor who yelled at me as I lay waiting for sedation.. still not too bad.

The very hardest thing for me was my first appointment at the plastic surgeon’s office. He had an emergency surgery and could not come in that day so we met with his assistant instead. She was very kind, very professional, told me that with my body shape I could choose any surgery I wanted, and answered all our questions. All was good until she told me that the insurance required that she take pictures of me basically naked.

She took me into a private room with a curtain, took a front pose, and poses from both sides. All I could think was, “Who in the world would require a thing like that? Who is going to develop these photos? Who will see them in my file? Who at the insurance offices will see them?” I stood there ashamed, gritted my teeth and bared/beared it. It was awful.

The Lord spoke to me that He wanted to heal my wounded heart; that He bore shame on the cross for me. Later that day, I received a long fb message from my Thai daughter, Savannah, who was hurting. I was so blessed to be able to share with her what the Lord was doing in my heart and pray for healing in hers as well.

Now and then I will get a vision of the Lord that will stick with me until I get a new one. Sometimes I’ll have the same one for years. At the Ramp’s Women’s Retreat the Lord gave me a vision of His nakedness on the cross. I cried silent tears. It so blessed me as He continued to minister to my heart, but I prayed, “Lord, I hope you will give me a new vision quick.” 🙂

The Lord also added playing my little harp to my list of things to do to prepare for the “change” and impressed on me that I wasn’t only off the hook for directing the “change,” but I had to actually prepare. I hadn’t played my harp very much since the surgery. The tuning pegs are very difficult to turn, it has to be tuned daily, and the turning motion post mastectomy quite honestly was painful, but a little better.

The Lord gave me four new songs in the next couple of weeks. One song was based on the main message from the retreat, “His strength is made perfect in our weakness.” I so enjoyed the preparation, the time of worship and meditating on my “Confessions of Praise” daily.

And it so helped me. The morning after we lost Joel. I got up, in shock, couldn’t think, stood in my kitchen and was at a loss for what to do. Just the morning before, Joel had been there visiting with me while I finished polishing up three songs on my harp. Then I knew what to do, “Pray, meditate, play my little harp.”

Romans Eight LIfe

February 5, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 3 Comments

Romans Chapter Eight has been such a life transformational chapter in my life..

Yesterday, after blogging, I got on my elliptical for the first time since Joel went home. All the “first since” have been very difficult.. the first day I could no longer say, “Just yesterday, Joel said.. did..,” the first Sunday attending church with only three children, the first time in a store.. they are all terribly difficult because I don’t want to go on without him, I don’t want the world to go on without him. Why does it keep spinning under my

The elliptical was difficult partly because I just so needed it to help deal with the stress of grieving, difficult because it’d been over two months since I’ve exercised :-), and mostly difficult because Joel lived in the next room and I took so much pleasure in just knowing he was close all those times I’d spent on it before.

For weeks all I could pray was “I want Joel.” Just a week or two before, I had written a song under Holy Spirit’s direction out of Romans 8:32

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Doesn’t all things include my son?

I know the answers to my questions. I know that there are many who suffer much more than I, suffer in ways I can’t imagine surviving. I know that God is a good God; a God of justice, a holy and righteous God.

I know that had my sons not been at that birthday party that night that the shooter would have had at least 8 more bullets to spend on the other children at the party. Eight other children may have lost their lives.. and at least a few of them may have met eternity without knowing our precious Savior. I pray continually for them, for Tim, the shooter, and for others affected by Joel’s death. I pray for salvation, for revival, for hearts.

As the Lord has carried me through this time and shown me His care for us, the ways He has been preparing us for months, for years really, He has been gently showing me a bigger picture. I still don’t like it.. especially this part.. my heart is so broken… continually breaks over and over again.

But at my request, the Lord has gently begun redirecting my desires from longing for Joel to longing for more of Jesus, for revival, for Heaven again. The longing is often so great that I would easily give up my life to have it. I know Joel longed for Heaven that way, too. It’s only right. Jesus longed for us so much that He willingly died that horrible death on the cross for us.

Yesterday, while on the elliptical, while longing for Heaven, I had a new revelation from Romans 8. Did you realize that not even LIFE can separate us from the love of God?

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

LIFE made the list of things that can NOT separate us. It’s right in there with neither angels or demons, neither the present or future.. nor anything else. Life that can be so messy, life that seams to tie us to earth can NOT separate us from His presence from His great love.

I so love His presence. I so love that we can walk without condemnation in Christ Jesus. I so love that we can set our minds on things that are above and truly live, Holy Spirit’s life living in us. I so love that I am His child!! I so love my inheritance of life, of freedom from fear. I so love that our present sufferings can’t compare to the glory that’s going to be revealed in us. I so love that all of creation groans with me. I so love that Holy Spirit intercedes for, in and with us. I so love that HE IS FOR ME. I so love that He works all things for my good. I so love that no one, nothing, not even life can separate me from His love.

Romans 8

Life Through the Spirit

1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, 4 in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

5 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 7 the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.8 Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

9 You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

12 Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, 14 because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Future Glory

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

More Than Conquerors

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”l

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Brown Paper Packages at the Foot of the Cross

February 4, 2013 / Jennifer Coleman / 6 Comments

Hello, beautiful, innocent blog. So much has happened since we last met. I have so much to tell you… good and healing and terrible and heart breaking. I plan to do some backward blogging; to tell you about some recent trips, and my bedroom makeover, a whole house re-arange, and about some wonderful things God has done in my heart.

But first, I have to tell you the most unbelievable, awful news. We lost our most precious, youngest son, Joel Manuel Coleman. On December 7th of 2012, our twenty year old son, was murdered at a birthday party. He and Joshua took an Apples to Apples game to enjoy a bonfire that ended in a terrible gunfire that instantly took my baby boy home to be with Jesus.

God has really given us so much comfort, so much joy in our suffering. Right this minute as I type I am listening to IHOP streaming live as I often do and they are singing/praying “God of hope, arise, anchor their soul, give them hope that doesn’t disappoint.” http://www.ihopkc.org/prayerroom/

This morning I am mourning my losses.. laying them at Jesus feet. It helps so much to take inventory. Counting my losses, recording them, leaving them, frees me to count my blessings.

I had a vision once of all my sorrows at the foot of the cross wrapped in brown paper packages and tied up with string like in the song from The Sound of Music, “My Favorite Things.” What I didn’t understand was that one of “My Favorite Things” would become my sorrows wrapped in “Brown paper packages tied up with string.” It’s as if Holy Spirit graciously takes my sorrows and wraps them up tight so that it’s easier for me to leave them there at Jesus’ feet. What had seemed so loosely laid there, so easily picked up again is now neatly and tightly packaged, safe at His feet.

“When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad”

“He restores. He makes all things new. Everything beautiful. He’s just in time. He’ll be strong in your weakness. He will restore your song. He will restore your soul. He is there even when you can not feel Him, you can not hear Him. I’ll take your ashes and turn them beauty. I’ll make all things beautiful just in time. I am your strength. I am your beauty. I am your life. I am your life. Come to me. Come to me.” on IHOP now..

Each morning since Joel was taken from us, I wake up to the awful reality that he is gone, that I have loss so much, and I weep. It’s as if while I sleep, I forget and all is at peace, but when I awake, I have to face the reality all over again.

After facing the awful reality each morning, I purposefully to turn my thoughts to the reality of the goodness of God in the midst of my suffering.. as I am now.

Many days it has been this song by Jesus Culture that has given me strength to face the day:

One Thing Remains

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing remains

Your love never fails

It never gives up

It never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes

It overwhelms and satisfies my soul

And I never ever have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death and in life
I’m confident and covered by the power of Your great love

My debt is paid there’s nothing that can separate

My heart from Your great love

Today, God gave me the extra grace I needed to take inventory of many of my recent losses: losses through moves, of friends, of a sense of security, of a sense of home; losses in health due to my corn allergy and breast cancer, losses of rest and freedom from pain.

And now of this huge loss of our precious son, Joel, losses of innocence, of untainted joy, loss of a friend, a brother, an encourager, a joy, laughter, a confidant, a protector, a companion, a fellow worshiper and prayer warrior, of so much of who we were as family of six.

Writing them all down is part of wrapping them in the brown paper packages of Holy Spirit all tied up with string, part of why I try to write so openly and honestly here on this blog. The truth sets me free.. free indeed.

I am laying it all at His beautiful, loving feet. Striving to enter into His rest, to allow Him to be God, to give and take away, to work all things together for the good of those who love Him – whatever His definition of that is. I am choosing to rest, to allow because it’s the only choice.

What I want, what I would choose if I could, would to be to go back in time, in the story of my life and rip out the pages of the last eight weeks and rewrite my story with a much happier ending, but what I am coming to recognize is that wanting anything except more of Jesus is pointless, striving to do anything but rest in what God is doing is futile.

futile

adjective

they piled on thousands of sandbags in a futile attempt to hold back the river: fruitless, vain, pointless, useless, ineffectual, ineffective, inefficacious, to no effect, of no use, in vain, to no avail, unavailing; unsuccessful, failed, thwarted; unproductive, barren, unprofitable, abortive; impotent, hollow, empty, forlorn, idle, hopeless; archaic bootless. ANTONYMS useful.

Yes, that pretty much sums it up.. futile. So all other wants, in you go, into the brown package at the feet of Jesus. Self, die so that Christ may live more fully in me.

“A vision of Jesus on the inside. That restores your joy and renews your peace. Jesus is with you today to shift the atmosphere within and around you.” on IHOP now…

Until He returns, takes me home, or until he decides I have loss enough of myself, I will continue to loose and I will continue to take inventory of my losses, and to leave them wrapped up by Holy Spirit’s power at the foot of the cross where I can find healing and help in my time of need and freedom to live again.

For to me, to live is Christ to die is gain. Phil 1:21. Much love, Jenny

For to me, to live is Christ to die is gain. Phil 1:21.

Much love,

Jenny