We live in a culture where there is so much instant gratification that some believe anyone can achieve instant gratification if they just have enough faith.

They focus on stories about slaying giants and winning victories while leaving out or explaining away the ones that are messy and hard. They quote Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

while leaving out the preceding verses where God explains that His plan includes 70 years of captivity to Babylon. When the verses are read together, you realize that God’s loving plan may include gratification delayed until Heaven.

Real Faith

Real faith isn’t built by instant gratification. Real faith stands the test of time. Real faith holds on to the belief that God is good when its circumstances are not. When wounded and weary, real faith rests. When left in the dark, real faith looks up to the One who made the stars and waits. Real faith obeys God even when it looks stupid to others. Real faith trusts in a God that collects each tear in His bottle.

When you are in a valley, you are especially vulnerable to attack. You need to know what real faith looks like so that you can endure. If you believe it looks like instant gratification, you are going to be attacked by guilt and condemnation when it doesn’t work out that way.

Real Stories

The Bible is honest about life and full of stories that are messy and hard and require endurance. Not every hard thing in the Bible was avoided by faith. Even Paul couldn’t pray the thorn in his flesh away. Some things are just difficult and painful and faith doesn’t make them hurt less.

My life in this valley is messy and hard right now. It’s difficult to paint a true picture… for the most part there just aren’t any words. I have a deep desire to share authentically because I believe that stories tidied up and wrapped in a bow can destroy those who are suffering with guilt, condemnation, isolation and shame. Real stories don’t always have commercial breaks or superficial Hallmark endings. I’ve been in this painful valley for a little over a year now. There is no tidy bow. I am still struggling, but I keep looking up to the same faithful Savior.

It’s Not All About Us

In Exodus 14 God lets Moses in on His plan to place Israel in a vulnerable situation, harden Pharaoh’s heart, and entice him chase after them so He could gain glory for Himself and show the Egyptians that He is the Lord.

His plan was FOR the Egyptians. I love that He does things not only for us, but also for those who desire to kill or enslave us. I love that he hardens the hearts of pharaohs, so He can show many hearts His glory. I hope that God will use this very vulnerable place that I now find myself in for His glory, too.

God had shown Moses a plan and purpose for putting Israel in danger, and Moses understood that it would be for God’s glory. Moses didn’t know what God would do next, and yet he responded to Israel’s fearful cries with extraordinary faith.

As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” – Exodus 14:10-12

Moses answered the people with faith that said,

 “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.” Exodus 14:13

The next verse has hung on my wall since going through breast cancer:

It has been a word in due season that has strengthened and encouraged me when I couldn’t do much more than “be still” for months while I allowed my body to heal.

Still in Vulnerable Places

I’ve spent a lot of time being still before the Lord this past year as well. After loosing Joel on December 7, the 7ths became Exodus 14:14 days for me. I’ve learned that I have to be especially nice to myself on the 7th of each month; I have to be still and let the Lord fight for me. I have prayed for help, wisdom, comfort, and healing. I have been still in His presence waiting for His direction and answers. I have been obedient in what I have known to do to the best of my ability.

This past Thanksgiving, the kids’ favorite holiday, was our last “first” without Joel. Then came the first anniversary of Joel’s Homegoing. Joel spent most of his last earthbound day at “home” with me studying for finals, talking to me, and playing his guitar while I put up our Christmas decorations. Putting up and taking down Christmas decorations now means reliving that last day. It was really hard, but I was determined to be thankful for all the days we had with Joel and not to dread Christmas.

I don’t want to dread Christmas. I love Christmas. I love that Jesus became one of us so that He could show us His love for us on the cross. The wreaths, trees, lights, candy canes and nativities all comfort me. The 175 of names of Jesus on my Christmas tree comfort me. I love being surrounded by reminders of His love for me. Most of all it comforts me to remember that Jesus drew us to Himself before Joel lost his life… that Joel is now in Heaven seeing Jesus face to face. We are blessed. It all comforts and pains me.

Not having Joel Manuel here with us, not having him come in the kitchen and see how Christmas lunch preparations are coming, not having him help set the table, not having him sit and eat with us, not having him play games with us is excruciatingly painful and rightfully mourned. Although I had managed not to dread Christmas, I found myself running into my closet several times on Christmas day to let out deep, sorrowful screams into my pillow.

A few days after Christmas, we took a weekend trip to a place we had taken Judi and Joel just 4 years before. We made it through remembering/imagining seeing Joel just around the corner there. Then a friend lost their daughter. We spent New Years Eve grieving for her and her family and for Joel and for the new year we had to spend without him. Judi turned 20 on the 4th of January. She is now the age Joel was when we lost him last year. We made it through all of it with joy and hope and sorrow and tears.

On the 7th of January, I got in my car to drive to a party and discovered that I hadn’t truly made it through. It’s in the privacy of my car that I often discover that I am not okay; I am still in the midst of my grief and I need God to fight for me like never before. I thought we had reached a finish line. I thought that after the first year, I could stop observing the 7ths. I discovered that after “firsts” come “seconds.”

My heart counts the 7ths involuntarily. The 7ths are still Exodus 14:14 days for me. I don’t know how long this will last. I chose in the middle of this discovery to be still and to be obedient to breathe even though it HURT, and though I was deeply disappointed and ashamed that it was all I could be obedient to do.

Moses’ Faith

This week, I heard a message that taught that being still wasn’t enough, that Moses was rebuked for telling the people to be still, that being still wasn’t acting in faith, that instead of being still Moses should have moved.

I was crushed. Was there something I was missing? If I had enough faith, could I just walk out of my valley?

I decided to reread the context for myself and I understood something for the first time that really encouraged me.

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? – Exodus 14:13-15a

God’s response was to Moses.

“THEN THE LORD SAID TO MOSES”

There is no record here of Moses crying out to God in unbelief or fear. Moses’ FAITH was what cried out to God. His command to Israel to be still spoke louder than all over one million Israelis’ cries of terror. I believe that God’s question was not a rebuke but a deep emotional response to Moses’ faith.

FAITH IS WHAT REALLY MOVES GOD.

Moses didn’t know the plan for escape. He had never seen a sea parted and dry land appear. Where was he supposed to move to? He only knew that God was good and sovereign and had a plan. He believed that God would show him what to do next if they could stand firm, be still and wait on the Lord. It was a stance of trust in the face of certain death for a over million of God’s people.

Mike said that he is coming to believe our faith shouldn’t be in our faith or “in a particular outcome, but in God’s sovereignty and goodness.”

God invites us to cry out to Him in faith for wisdom when we are in the midst of trials (James 1:2-5). He will not rebuke us. He delights in showing Himself strong in our weakness and in coming to our aide.

God Wants Our Hearts

God’s deepest desire is for relationship with us.

He proved it in the extravagant act of giving His ONLY begotten SON for us.

God put His own Son in a vulnerable place so He could show us His glory.

Relationships require faith, trust and vulnerability.

If God had only wanted obedience, He would have never sent Jesus to die for us. He would have laid out the whole plan for Moses in verses 1-4, Moses would have parted the sea and the Israelites would have walked straight through. Instead, He tested Moses’ willingness to trust Him in a very vulnerable place. And if such a thing were possible, I believe that Moses’ faith exceeded God’s expectations.

To say that Mike and I don’t know or understand all of God’s plan, would be a huge understatement. We don’t understand why God allows so much pain and suffering in us (personally or collectively in the human race). We only know, as the meaning of Joel Manual Coleman’s name proclaims, that God is sovereign, that God is with us and most importantly we know that God is good.

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” 1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT

We are waiting on the Lord and obeying as He gives us grace and instruction. Holding on even when that grace and instruction is only to stand still.. to breathe.. and wait for Him to fight for us. We are standing in faith even when that instruction is to wait in a vulnerable place where we feel like God could have come up with a better plan.

We have a long way to go, but we are trusting that He is the “author and perfecter of our faith,” that at the end of our race we, too, will see Him face to face. If we hear that longed for, “Well done, good and faithful servant” as He wipes away our tears, it will be because He has been faithful in us and found glory for Himself through saving us. At last, we will hug our Joel and sing and dance with him in a triumphal song of praise for all God has done for us and because our last enemy, Death, has been swallowed up in His victory.

Exodus 15:2
The Lord is my strength and my song,
and He has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

For now I am singing

Love,

Jenny

Where should our focus lie?

I’ve been meditating on one of the verses that really ministered to us shortly after Joel’s home going:

1 Corinthians 13:12 (NLT) Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

It speaks of trusting a God whose ways are far beyond my understanding; who knows and loves me perfectly and strengthens me in my weaknesses.

It speaks of hope in a day when we will see Him face to face; a day when we will be made like Him and have a mature understanding of mysteries that are now far beyond our reach; a day when we will see how He has tenderly and lovingly woven everything in the tapestry of our lives together for our good and His glory.

Last week Holy Spirit reminded me that this verse is found in the midst of the love chapter.  🙂

As a young mother, I often used this chapter to measure my love walk at the end of the day.  “Was I loving?  Was I kind?  Was I patient when ______ didn’t remember that 4 x 6 = 24?  Was I long suffering when ______ left their socks in the middle of the living room the floor for the umpteenth time?”

When Joel was murdered, I found myself struggling big time with verses 7 and 8.

“Love always protects… Love never fails…”

How was my sovereign, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and most importantly “loving” God living out “Love always protects.. and love never fails” at the moment of the shooting?

How am I now supposed to always trust, always hope and always persevere when love feels so much like excruciating pain?

How can my brothers and sisters in Christ around the world carry on living day after day through war, famine, death and persecution; so much daily pain and struggle?

Everywhere we go.  Even when we “run away” to the Nashville Zoo for a break on my birthday, there are reminders of the pain and suffering around us.  The family that donated the land to the zoo buried several children in their small family cemetery.

These are the answers I believe I’ve found in this chapter:

Verse 12:
1) Accept that right now I see things “imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror…”

Verse 13:
2-4) “And now these three endure: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.”

Faith
2) By faith, believe that God is good, that He loves me so passionately that He died for me while I was still a mess, that He still loves me today and has called me to abide in His love.

Hope
3) Set my hope on the grace and glory that will be given to me at His appearing.  I Peter 1:13
Romans 8:18, and 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Love
4) While waiting for that promised day, focus on the most important and enduring thing: love; His love for me and through me towards others.

Everything is hard right now.  Even snapping photos of this beautiful cloud leopard at the zoo reminds me of Joel.  He loved taking photos at the zoo and would often take off with my camera.

A recap of the chapter:

Verses 1-3 Without love it all adds up to nothing.

Verses 4-7 Love defined.

Verses 8-12 Our understanding this side of Heaven is very limited.

..but there’s one thing we can count on:

Verse 13: “And now these three endure: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.”

Jesus Culture’s “One Thing Remains” kept me going in the first days and weeks after Joel’s home going.

Even when it looks like His love has failed, it hasn’t.  One day we’ll see the evidence of the things we’ve believed.  And even if we don’t, I would rather have believed and be proven wrong than have not believed
and be proven right.

Ephesian 3:14-20 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in Heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Doing all I know to abide in His love,

Jenny

I woke up this morning to my subconscious scheming how “next time” I’d devise a way to protect Joel.  I had to tell myself, “There will not be next time.  You can not protect Joel or anyone else.”  It’s just too horrible for my subconscious to believe it’s true.

Last summer when the kids first started finding things to do away from home, I had to tell myself the same words, “You can not protect them.  You have to let go and trust God.  They are growing up now.”

Caving, swimming at waterfalls, ATVing.. talks of motorcycles..  then hearing on the news about a 19 year old who drowned while swimming too near a waterfall.  Mike won’t allow Judi to have a trampoline.  Two years ago.. two totaled cars ago, trusting God with their driving was a battle.  I am not sure how much my heart can take.

Earlier this week, I dreamed that Joel had been in a car accident and I was rushing him to the hospital.. and believed that someone, somehow was going to be able to save him.  I had to re-face the fact that he was beyond any medical professional’s help… there was no hope, no chance.

I keep fighting hope, fighting dreams with the reality of this fallen world… with the hope of Heaven and Jesus’ eminent rescue.

I am tired.. physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually..

I fight by continually going over and over the Words the Lord has spoken to me during this time.  I am so thankful for them.. even the painful ones.  His Word is life.

Think of Joel as having pushed ahead of you in the race..

He knows my thoughts before I think them. (and still loves me.. so thankful.)

Run with perseverance..

Try to learn to be content..

Rest.. it’s God that does the work in you

Rejoice in hope..

Repent from useless thoughts (Romans 1:21)

Jesus is a Wounded Healer..

Be strong and very courageous.  (Josh 1:8 .. a foundational verse for Mike and I early in our marriage.)

My Peace I give.. (peace that passes understanding.. that gives us strength to go on.. )

Then this week:

Ephesians 3:14-19 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in Heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I am fighting to stand firm in FAITH.. holding on by a thread.. feeling like a small puff of wind is all it would take to send me careering down the ravine.

Fighting to believe that GOD LOVES ME.. that His love is greater.. that He’s the one holding me.. that I am not alone.  Praying all the more fervently for others in the battle… for the ones struggling to hold on to His Word like me and for the ones who haven’t heard.

Fighting to wait for the HOPE that does not disappoint… HIS LOVE…  (Romans 5:5)

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Love,

Jenny

Since Joel’s home going I’ve been doing my best to survive from one event to the next: from Joel’s Memorial Service to Christmas to New Years.. then Judi’s Birthday which I didn’t handle very well.  It snuck up on me.  It had always been extra joyful because for the next several months after Judi’s birthday Judi and Joel were “only a year a part in age..” and suddenly, I had to deal with the idea that that joy was lost.. and just a few days after, the one month anniversary of not having Joel with us.  At times I was shaken with separation anxiety.   Every day was.. still is.. an exercise of not seeing Joel as dead but alive and well in heaven.  If I hadn’t had the assurance of heaven…

In the second and third month, selling Joel’s car, closing his bank account etc., all the chiropractor stuff started, Josh’s birthday… then Spring Break, Passover/Easter and Mike’s birthday all rolled into one.. then it was time to prepare for Joel’s birthday and our trip to Texas.  Just listing the highlights is stressful.  Thank you, Jesus, for walking with me through the fire.

After getting through Joel’s birthday/family reunion trip and Mother’s day (also all rolled into one), I finally had some space just to be and discovered that it is also extremely difficult.  More of the shock is wearing off and I am feeling more of the pain of losing Joel.  As I shared in my last post, finding where to turn my sad thoughts was hard work.

Looking in from the outside must be puzzling.. “Five months have gone by.  Shouldn’t you be better by now?”

Balloons for Joel’s 21 Birthday

The shock of losing Joel had protected me from feeling all the terrible things that have been happening around me like I normally do.  The horror of the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary the day after Joel’s memorial service.. I couldn’t even process it.  A suicide in a near by school, the Boston bombing and the West Texas Fertilizer explosion.. I was numb…

The tornado this past week in Oklahoma was the first thing I felt.  I want to say like I used to feel.. but I am not sure if I feel the sorrow the same or different now.  Then this past Friday night, when I heard that one of Joel and Judi’s friends from church, Cole, died in a motorcycle accident I just wept.  He was just a few months older than Joel.  The emotions are so overwhelming.  I didn’t know how to pray beyond “God, help, please, help..”  Then yesterday morning I heard that there were deaths in the floods in San Antonio.  I feel surrounded by death.

My prayers have been weak.. despairing.. “God, help, please, help.. it’s bad.. so many are suffering.. all around the earth.. wars.. famine.  God, and I know it’s only the beginning.  God, please, help.. come to our rescue.. send revival.. send Jesus to take us home.  Help, God, help.”  I keep remembering that He isn’t slow to keep his promise to return and that He longs for all to be saved from 2 Peter chapter 3.  I long for their salvation, too … and feel selfish and unhappy with myself when all I want is for my suffering to end.

I’ve felt so lost, so alone this week.. not knowing how to deal with all the pain I am now feeling that the shock is wearing away. It felt like my only two choices were to live in despair with hardly a word beyond “help” to pray or buck-up and be hardhearted.  Seriously, that’s the making of an atheist.. most are brokenhearted people who feel deserted by God.. and can’t believe in a God who would allow all this suffering.

I knew that those couldn’t be the only two choices.. that both those choices were wrong.. that there had to be another choice.  I am so broken that it was hard to see past my brokenness.  Even though I knew better, I couldn’t see what the better was.  Open my eyes, Jesus.  To keep moving, I had to keep reminding myself that life wasn’t about living for myself but for God and for others.

Then a friend called, and did something I couldn’t do for myself, she loved me where I was; she listened and said that if “help” was all I could pray then that was exactly the right thing to pray.. the thing that needed to be prayed.  Her words were worth more than gold to me.  They set me free to hear the voice of Holy Spirit the next morning remind me to “Rejoice in hope” from Romans 12:12

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Hope was the third choice.. the choice I knew there had to be.

The three phrases were exactly what I needed: to rejoice in hope.. to hope.. to keep finding joy in Jesus over and over again while going though suffering..  to be patient in affliction.. patient.. resting.. trusting in God’s work.. and to be faithful to keep praying even when all I can pray is “help.”  I texted a thank you and my revelation to my friend and she responded, “Yes, my friend you are right! Thank you for reminding me that our God is a God of hope and grace and He gives us His strength. I will choose hope too! Love you!”

I think I will be reading Romans chapter 12 all this week.  Don’t miss it.

Verses 9-16 from the NIV
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.  Do not be conceited.

Please,  pray for me as I continue to learn and relearn through this suffering and pray for my family as they have to live with me.. and work through their own grief and losses.  🙂

Love,

Jenny

I woke up this morning remembered that Joel was gone.

Holy Spirit graciously keeps reminding me gone means pushed ahead in the race.. happy in Heaven.. he is well.. I can smile and be joyful about where and how he is.

Not that I wouldn’t much rather have him here and want to get up and look in on him and make sure he got home safe from closing at Donatos (Joel, I still have to look up how to spell it.  Sorry.) or go greet him and ask him how things are going, hug him, kiss him… wish him a good morning.

I have to remember that he is gone every morning.  It’s not a nice thing to wake up to.  Most days I don’t know what to think.. how to feel.. what to do after remembering.  Be sad is the obvious choice.

I’ve been trying for days to choose to be thankful.. to find things to be thankful for.  Then yesterday, I tried to count it all as lost and seek to know Christ.  It’s been hard work… trying.. striving.. but I haven’t known what else to do.  I’ve felt lost and alone.. praying for grace and anointing.. for Jesus to pour in His anointing oil and bind up my broken heart.

This morning was different.  After I remembered that Joel was gone and what gone meant, there was a new grace.  The joy in knowing that all was well with Joel in Heaven flowed over into a choice that was available to me to make.  Joy was a choice and I had the grace to choose it and maybe Holy Spirit even gave me a little push in joy’s direction.

It wasn’t like the past couple of weeks where it was an exercise of my mind to find some other choice than being sad.. searching for things to be thankful for.. searching for some way to draw near to Jesus.. searching for the right choice.. for the right thing to do.

It was just there.. joy.. I could chose it if I wanted.  Thank you, Lord, for grace for today.

It’s not that I haven’t had any joy since Joel’s pushed ahead.. and it’s not that I am not still sad, or that I am over missing him.  It’s just that joy has been made available to me in the midst of it.. and I am thankful for it… for the rest in it today.

Love,

Jenny